I'm not a happy camper right now.

I finally finished all the taxes and got them all in by the deadline. I 'thought' I had handled tax time better this year just because I didn't cry or throw up. That is what I 'thought'. But I still have a lot of trouble keeping focus on something that involved without letting other things go by the wayside. I 'thought' I had done better this time because I took many days to do the taxes and took lots of breaks in which I did a little puttering around the house. The problem was that the puttering was random busy work because I can only focus on one thing at a time if something is intense and involved enough. So... I finished the taxes and then I 'woke up' to a pig sty. I don't know why my family is helpless (and dirty) without me, but it seems that they are. I was so tired from cleaning on Monday that I made my husband do the shopping at WalMart because I was just too exhausted to manage it. I took perverse pleasure in the fact that there were bras for my daughters on the list and he had to get sales people to help him while I was on the phone with him. He was humiliated. Tough shit. You can't wash a dish or pick up after yourself, then you buy bras. Thems the rules, messy dude. I was tempted to add sanitary napkins to the list even though we have plenty, but I decided to cut him some slack. But I'm glad he had to buy bras. If I can buy jock itch cream and condoms, then he can damn well buy bras. If he wasn't such a slob, he wouldn't have to worry about it as I could have shopped instead of being his fucking maid.

Another problem is that we had to have dinners delivered while I was stressed last week and then stuck doing the taxes. All that fat, sodium and artificial ingredients... There really isn't any substitute for home cooked meals that have been meticulously shopped for by the chef/ nutritionist of the house. And now I am paying for eating that crap for so long and for living on caffeine to keep me going so I could clear all those stressful hurdles. Fat, excess sodium and loads of caffeine have made the fibrocystic breast condition become active. The hypochondria monster has been awakened. And...

I am now questioning the wisdom of sequestering the family at the local Hilton for Easter weekend to avoid the mother and protect the little girl. You should see my desk. And I haven't mopped, dusted or vacuumed yet and the laundry is stacked up very high. The kitchen isn't even completely up to my normal standards and I'm already exhausted. It might make my life worse to be away from my house when I need to be working in it. It takes me quite a while to catch up when I have to concentrate on something as involved as the taxes. I have a lot of work to do and I'm kind of tired. My son has a laundry list of shit he needs me to do for him, one of the schools called because I have not yet turned in registration forms and I made a commitment to a local Girl Scout troop and it's time to show up for them. TO SPEAK IN PUBLIC. *sigh* I feel very resentful right now and I'm trying to figure out what I should do. I know the key is here in the house. Why am I the only clean one? I need to fix this somehow. And now my plan for the weekend feels more like me being chased out of my house. It doesn't feel like protection anymore.

p.s. I am actually looking forward to spending time with the Girl Scouts. I used to be one, you know. The Girl Scouts of America were there for me at a time when I had nothing else and nothing about that organization ever harmed me. I will be speaking to some of my favorite people about one of my favorite topics - writing. I can't let my mother get me even more behind in my work and ruin things. I can't let her chase me out of my house just because she will ring the doorbell at some point over the weekend to bring Easter gifts to an atheist household. I think there is now a new plan and I suspect Rambo will be the one who answers the door.