I went to bed a tiny bit earlier than usual Sunday morning. I didn't sleep as long as usual and so I got shorted a bit, but these two things together had me up and awake at an almost decent (for me) hour. What's really great is that I felt pretty good when I woke up. I decided to go out and do the grocery shopping instead of waiting for evening. I went outside and it was the most beautiful sunny day I've seen around here in quite a while. It was warm, nearly hot, but I didn't turn on the air conditioner in the car. I rolled down all the windows and opened the sunroof instead and let the wind tear up my hair. I was alone in the car, so no one could bug me by asking me something every few minutes and I blasted the music as loud as I wanted. It felt SO good to be outside in the sun and the warmth while I was feeling good and not being tormented by anything from inside. I let no errand be procrastinated and took full advantage of the sun and good feelings. I even drove over to the mall and restocked all my GNC goodies. I parked on the opposite end and race-walked to the far end and back. I felt WONDERFUL. I felt peace and joy. I was happy. It's been a long time since I felt like that. I think the last really good day might have been back in November. Maybe one more really good day since, but I can't pinpoint the specifics at the moment.

Grocery shopping is not usually a fun time for me. If my family and I didn't need to eat, I surely wouldn't bother. Today I still felt good when I did my shopping. It was all good until the checkout line. It was long and there was a couple and their little girl in line right in front of me. She was very cute. I was fine until... I don't know what happened, but it was while her mother was paying the bill and she was with her father. Something about the way she said something or an expression on her face, maybe? I just can't remember, but that was when something zinged inside my head and seeing the two of them is what caused it. It was the feeling of a memory getting ready to fall from a shelf. Panic coursed through me when I felt my mind approaching something or other. I think I even remembered a tiny slice of something right before the jolt. I went... somewhere, if only for a split second. And the second really was 'split'. There was me and there was a little girl and a man and there was some unauthorized function happening in my head from a very long time ago. And then there was also... well... ME. Saying, "Don't you DARE flip out right here in public. Get AWAY from that!!" Robot that I am, I am certain no one around me had any inkling that something wasn't right. But I did. And my body did. After I finished at the register I noticed on my way out that it was still a little bit light outside. And I also noticed that it was getting dark. I noticed the air. Still warm, but getting cool. I wanted to feel good again and so I tried to. Didn't the air feel good on my skin? I'm sure(ish) that it did for a moment. Until it didn't. I got a feeling of dread when the air reminded me of going to drive-in movie theaters with my parents when I was really little. I shoved my shit in the trunk and drove home with the hypochondria riding shotgun.

This is how I live. It's why I will NEVER forgive and why I would sooner kiss a monkey's ass than be around my mother. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink beer and watch TV all night so I don't have flashbacks. I just don't feel up to dealing with that kind of shit tonight.

p.s. Comments debating forgiveness will be ignored. I'm not in the mood.