It's been more than a month since I've posted here. I did not plan to abandon this place and it didn't happen because of dissociation, it happened because things have changed for me and I got busy with other things to the best of my ability. I will catch you up on a few details now ('you' being those who still show up on this dusty old highway:-).

1. I have been consistently sleeping at night now instead of in the day for pretty much the whole time I have been absent from writing this blog. It did not happen from any drug (yuck), it happened because of love. It really does pay to have the right therapist. And no, I can't really explain any further at the moment because it is quite involved and I am tired and need to go to bed soon. Just trust me when I say that it is a beautiful experience that I was cheated out of with my family of origin and it has done more than any other thing I have ever tried to bring me some healing and comfort for the children inside.

2. I am more tired than usual tonight because my youngest daughter has been waking me up the past few nights because we have had terrible storms and the thunder and lightning made her want her mommy. Of course I let her in my bed, but then I slept lightly because I still experience nightmares and I was afraid of my baby being scared by her mommy waking up in a freakout. I can't have things like that going on. And so I have slept like shit to comfort my baby girl because I will never turn away my babies, nor will I allow them to be frightened by my stuff. The trauma to children stops here. PERIOD. If I do nothing else in my life, I will do that. I will do it or die trying. And I predict I will simply do it. The weather report says it is supposed to be beautiful out tomorrow and the rain has already stopped. Cross yer fingers, eh? I need some real sleep.

3. The twins got braces on their teeth today. They look so cute!! Okay, granted it's not like I have to scrape and scratch to feed my kids, but braces are not cheap and we are FAR from rich (no, my dear I-R-S, just because someone is a landlord does not mean they are rich). I have to budget and prioritize to pay tuitions and such because quality education for my children is a top priority for me. And I have held myself together good enough and for long enough to budget for braces. My poor sister had to leave our family of origin without this benefit and she paid for it herself when she was an adult. We didn't come from an impoverished family, but my parents failed to send her into the world with straight teeth when she deserved them and they could have made that happen for her with some planning. They did not budget to make the children a priority and I did. I have never let a child leave my home with bad teeth and, unless I become impoverished due to unforeseen circumstances, I never will.

4. I will leave you with a bit of DID humour. The therapist and I were discussing my success with parenting in spite of the unique challenges I face. I said, "Well... I know what makes me different from other troubled mothers whose presence is a detriment to their children. It's because it takes a village. AND I HAVE ONE. If there is something I can't do for the children, there is someone else here who can." Yes, folks. I live in a child-centric village. And I like it here. We ALL do.

5. This song is for all those inside who came forward to protect me and the children inside (and outside - thank you, Rambo). They came to bat for us and I will never leave them. I love them. We all love each other here. I would be nothing today if they hadn't come to save me/ us and preserve something of the original. This is for them. They are coming home now. Little by little, they are coming home. They are coming HERE. Here where it's safe. I made it safe. And I was able to do that because of them. They showed up for me and now I am here for them. And I'm not leaving. I will NEVER leave them. Not EVER. They are me. I love them and I owe them. I owe them everything and I am ready to let them share the safety and security of my current life as their reward. Yes, I understand the possible repercussions, but I have plenty of competent and compassionate support. And... Because I have arrived... I really would... (see the vid...)

G'night, y'all.