The Difference

Well, again, Superbowl Sunday has come and gone and nothing bad has happened to me. Why should something bad happen to me? Because I was raped on Superbowl Sunday right after the game when I was 28. I used to have a lot of flashbacks before I remembered and I used to get all messed up in the head about the game (and other related cues) and I had NO FREAKIN' IDEA why. And then I remembered and Old Guy helped me by being accepting and not interfering. Strange, eh? That an actual integration could happen without me having the knowledge to label it as such and all it took was some support and kindness and no one trying to stop me by forcing 'regulation' onto emotions that were never meant to be regulated? Amazing. All he had to do to help me was just be a real person. Too bad he freaked when the second memory came along. I still don't know how to get back to the place I was in before he hurt me like that. The teenager who was hurt by him is still paranoid about therapists and I have therapy tonight.

Here's a (not so) funny comparison --

Integration with a Real Human Helper took six months. I'm not a football fan, so I don't usually care too much about watching the game, but I am well aware of when it is because my family always goes out to a Superbowl party and I usually take advantage of the peace and quiet. I watch on TV if the Bucs are in and I also watched when the Colts were in when a family member was on the team. No Bucs, no Colts - I don't watch. This year I napped while the family was out. It was nice. No intrusions. Those triggers do not have power anymore. Granted, I do get occasionally irritated by the general sound of televised sports (except for baseball) because that was the 'background noise' in my house as a child (but baseball is my fave sport). I guess what I'm trying to illustrate here is the result of a complete integration. The result has been peace around the things that used to cause flashbacks. And it happened because no one interfered and tried to stop it.

Integration with a 'Mindful' Helper was incomplete and took more than a year. The second memory has been somewhat integrated, but the process was interrupted by Old Guy deciding that it was all just 'too much' and whipping out 'techniques' to replace the humanity that he so cruelly withdrew from me when my trauma was disturbing his view of the world and so he had a deep need to impose 'management strategies' upon my emotions and memories. And it all fell apart for me from there.

In the first example, real acceptance and caring from another human being led to the eventual full integration of a lady I remember asking for in the middle of the night when I was all alone outdoors in a hot tub surrounded by snow. I remember. "Please - I can't. Please send someone." And yet I had no freakin' clue what I was talking about. Anyway, the part of her that held the traumatic memory gave way to the mother that she was, the hard work she put in for me when the real estate market crashed -- all of her. All of her misery, memories, thoughts and the totality of her immense reservoir of strength. Thank you, Violet. And now we are one.

In the second example, there was a mostly complete integration of a traumatic memory, but triggers and blank spots remain. And the girl who held that memory has not been integrated and remains miserable. Actually, she is MORE miserable than she was before. Not because she remembered, but because of what was done to her when she did. And that is why she took over and quit therapy with New Guy. Because she knows that she is not acceptable to therapists and no one wants her. ALL of my past experience with therapies tell her that the truth is not wanted there if it is both ugly and honest. She was not about to stand by helplessly while I scheduled extra appointments because of the little girl, so she took over. Thankfully, New Guy knew who he was talking to and was able to handle things. But she still worries. WHEN will he screw her over? Not if, but when? This is how life is for her out on her own and she still has the power to take over. Not good. She's only fifteen. I have two daughters her same age. She can't do much more for them than what they can already do for themselves. But they need a mother EVERYDAY. And the teenager can't possibly be a mother to my 27 year-old son. That would just be ridiculous and probably worry my poor son half to death! And marriage? She holds a general disdain for the institution. And sometimes she says tactless things to my husband and hurts his feelings. She can't run my life. The poor thing is hurt and trying to prevent it from happening again, but she just isn't qualified to be in charge. She's simply not old enough. And yet she is so very powerful now. I can't usually fight her off.

I have therapy tonight and I'm not sure what will happen and I'm not sure what to do. But I know she is right under the surface. One wrong word... that's all it would take to hurt her some more. Do you know what reason she gave when she quit therapy? She said it was because therapy is a torture for her. I wish Old Guy hadn't been so awful to her. It made her feel like garbage and she will do just about anything to make it stop. But at what cost? I hope New Guy can help with this. I need help.