I trusted him very deeply. He let me do that and he helped me through a memory. Things changed when the second memory came. A raped girl crawled out of the muck and came looking for him to help her go home like he helped the lady. He didn't help her because she still cried one week later and prevented me from working my ass to the bone fixing up a rental house. EVERYONE knows that you should go right back to work and everything should be fine in one week's time. Everyone knows that. Except for the girl who got raped. She didn't know. But she found out when he yelled at her for crying and told her that she was defective for being so afflicted and needed to drug herself if she couldn't live in the present moment. She disagreed, so he cancelled their next appointment and hung up on her. And she remembers. She cannot forget. And the drug of alcohol keeps coming, but the girl was right and nothing like that helps. And still she cannot let anyone near. Some things are so terrible and destructive that there is no prize worth risking a repeat performance. I guess it doesn't matter to her that it's a different therapist now. When you cut through the bullshit, they are all capable of the same and the risk vs. reward ratio is just not there. What can he do to help? No one can help. Not really. But he could destroy. Yes, that would be so very easy to do. The very great risk is not worth the possibly non-existent reward and so I guess I'm on my own. And so I don't even understand why I am posting this. There is absolutely nothing new about being on my own. But something new is going to happen soon. Yes, it is. I think I'm done and will be able to wrap up this sorry little tale very soon. That is my goal. I don't even care what the ending is anymore, I'm just sick of the story and I want it out of my face. Yesterday would not be too soon.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh Ethereal. I've heard you refer to your old therapist before but never managed to figure out what actually happened. I feel so mad with him for betraying you like that, for continuing the abuse in such a twisted and unhelpful way. :(
ReplyDeleteHave you told your new T what the old T did? I just wondered whether before you trust him or take the risk that together you could talk about what will happen afterward, perhaps lessen the risk a bit ... just enough maybe?
Thinking of you,
xx
Yes, we have discussed it at length and the teenager has not changed her position. And my current thinking is that he has done the job he was truly intended to do - help me quit the other therapist. Maybe that is all he was really needed for and now the goal is to just get away from therapy before any more destruction can happen. And I have sent him an email and cancelled all of my appointments so I can finally be safe. I'm done. I think he did his job. It was limited and now it's over and the rest is somehow up to me. Now I need to find a way to get through the night without drinking so much. Maybe even SLEEP at night instead of in the day. I have no idea how any of this will happen, but if he could help me with it, then it would have happened by now. I've been seeing him since Nov. 3, 2009 and I ditched the old therapist this past October. So I guess the new guy can't really help with anything more.
ReplyDelete(((Lynn)))) I'm so sorry I'm at a complete loss for any words that might be helpful to you. But I've no idea how to get past the breach of trust barrier - or if it can even be done.
ReplyDeleteSport? Makes tired (better night sleep), helps to blank the mind (kind of meditation). Walking, running, something outside. Just an idea.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I have gone through horrible treatment like this as well. I'm just so sorry. When you go to a therapist for trauma therapy I just don't get how come you end up getting such horrible people as therapists. It has happened to me many times and stopped me from going back, for years, so I understand that. But what I have learned from my online friends is that a miracle can happen, you can find a wonderful therapist and it can be very healing experience. Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
I know I haven't gotten over my traumatic break with my old therapist. She changed her mind about things she'd promised and got angry and it did cut deeply. I guess it's a risk with therapy but I really wish they'd be a little more careful with the trust we put in their hands.
ReplyDeleteWhat a complete and utter arsehole. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and am not surprised there's worry there re: future therapists. I just hope that the new one is what they're supposed to be: a therapist, not a fuckwit hellbent on re-traumatising his clients.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you xxx