I won't be going out anywhere tonight. Today featured one of those weepy meltdowns. And yes, it was over the need to go to sleep this morning. The little girl gets upset when it is time to go to bed. I think some things are coming to a head right now. There are things coming up in therapy that I have not been blogging about. I think part of the reason for not blogging about it is that the little bits of it that I can approach are best done with my therapist. Which is different for me. I began blogging because the therapy I was in at the time did not feel safe to me anymore and I was scared half to death and had no place to go with it. Some things are different now. And yes, even THAT is a struggle due to issues I have with therapy and therapists in general. And I keep asking myself, "Have I made myself very, very clear to my therapist? Is it true that we have discarded the toxic elements of trauma therapies from our work or is there some overlooked thing that will jump out of there and hurt me just when I need the most help? Is it REALLY safe? Is it safe? Can I believe in what we have built? Can I trust it? Is it worth the risk?" This is my struggle.

I guess I will do what I can do, solve what I can solve and just try my best. For right now, I just want to feel better from the meltdown. I will stay home with covers and soup and TV. I think tonight will be all about trying to feel safe. If I could just have that... but sometimes I'm so afraid. And sometimes that makes me angry. I wish I could get back to the place I was in before my last therapy became unsafe for me. If I can just find a way to let that happen... It will take more strength than you might imagine. What would it be like to feel safe? I bet it would feel good. And I sincerely hope that I will soon find out for myself.