Actual post date: Friday, Nov. 19, 2010 at 5:00 AM

Hello, subscribers and archive diggers! I don't want this on the front page, so here I am. I feel a little confused, but I don't want my therapist to know that right now and he has this URL, so that is why I am posting in the way that I am (just in case he comes to quietly check in on me). I have been feeling much better since the last appointment. I cannot forget the comfort I felt from it. Not just the sound of his heart, but even the comfort he gave me before that moment. What kind of person understands someone and comforts them so kindly without covertly chastising them for their distress? Who does that? I have been feeling much calmer and not dissociating since I have the memory of his heartbeat and his very kind comfort. So why am I suspicious? Because of the teenage girl. She worries that this is very temporary and he will soon turn on us like Old Guy did. And because of the little girl whose hair he stroked while promising her that she is okay now. Yes, I remember it. I remember everything. We go to sleep and sleep in peace with the memory of his safe hands and voice (yes, we ALL get to share this - so beautiful and integrative). Okay -- so he is Rambo-and-Jenny approved as being clean and free of destructive and/ or dirty ulterior motives. But then when we wake up, the little one worries that something horrible will happen to him just because he is nice and she loves him so much. I try not to worry. I try. If he were about to turn on us, Rambo would know and protect us. But... Rambo can't do ANYTHING about something bad happening to New Guy. The little girl doesn't want anything bad to happen to him. She wants him to be safe from bad things for always so she can get love from him and hug him and always talk to him. She loves him so much. She doesn't want him to ever be sick or hurt and she wants him to NEVER go away. I know intellectually that this worry comes from the father threatening everyone I loved to make me be quiet and confess responsibility for things that were not of my making, but that is not enough right now to make it filter down to the feeling place.

I welcome any comments from any dissociative survivors out there. I don't know what to do or think with this and I can't tell the therapist about it right now because the teenage girl would freak out if I did.