Tuesday night I went to my appointment with New Guy. He asked a lot of questions about what kind of things make me panic and dissociate. Talking about those things made me feel panicky and have to go to battle against the pull of the dissociation. Did I win the battle? Well... I don't know because I can't wrap my brain around much more than a basic overview of topics discussed. I know the details of the discussion are there in my memory, but little walls go up when I try to capture them. Does that mean I was somewhat dissociated/ detached? Your guess is as good as mine, but on some level here, I'm not feeling especially encouraged. Because detachment is the name of the game and it simultaneously keeps me sane and keeps me dead.
I spoke to Old Guy Wednesday night. The topic was the sleep problem, but that ended up all over the place, too. One direction it went leaves me a little unsettled and frustrated. When discussing activities that could be contributing to poor sleeping habits, it led to the topic of why those behaviors are necessary for me. Basically, they are in place to uphold dissociation. I cannot allow the walls to crumble when I don't have a safe place to remember. When that has happened in the past, the memories came to me 'in code'. Yeah, I basically go a little psycho and that is a misery I wouldn't wish on anyone because there actually IS something scarier than abuse, and that is having the memory come coded as something like a feeling that aliens (foreign others) are coming to clone me/ hurt me/ do something to me. The only time I was ever able to claim parts of my own memory in a 'normal' way when they came for me was when I felt very secure with Old Guy. I don't feel really secure anywhere now. Old Guy even suggested massage as a way to find comfort in the body. That's not going to work, either. I know it's weird, but I'm most comfortable when I am not aware of my body. My body doesn't give me comfort. Being connected to it only brings on the psycho because the memories live there, too.
Anyway, this whole thing leaves me feeling trapped. I maintain shitty habits in order to keep the boogieman away because I don't have the kind of relationship with anyone right now that would create a safe enough place to remember and still hold on to hope and reality. It's a fucked up and constricted life, but it's what I have. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to ditch my body to make sure nothing that I can't handle on my own will come crawling out of the woodwork.
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See, what happens with people who suffer long-term abuse by the people who are supposed to take care, love, and keep them safe- we do not have a "safe place" - we never have, it doens't exist.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation, it's what I have too.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate to your first paragraph. I have trouble "Grabbing" events sometimes. I know they are there but I can't grab and hold onto them.
ReplyDeleteI've found that if I really need or want to get them, I can often do it by free writing. I wait until I'm in a fairly relaxed state. Then I set the timer and write. I try to keep the pen moving for the entire time -usually 5 minutes. Often when I think I'm not writing anything important, I write out what I most want to grab in my mind.
Not sure if that would work for you, but thought I'd throw it out there.