No Kids Allowed

Now that I have successfully ditched my body for the night, I see that my mind is still here. Don't worry - I'm working on solving that one, too. In the meanwhile, I will just blab here.

Since I have been talking to Old Guy again, I have not emailed him or called him outside of appointment. I have been on my best behavior and needed nothing from him. Which means that I don't dare to push myself out of my avoidance lest it make me need someone. I don't dare try too much of anything that might upset me. I have to stay here in this constricted existence because I can't risk that something will trigger a memory landslide and send me looking for support at a time that is not between the hour of 5:30 and 6:30 on a Wednesday. Because, you know, that would just be rude and unacceptable and it's better just to shut the fuck up or get drunk and/ or sedate myself with OTC allergy pills and cold medicines. It's better to just do whatever it is that needs to be done to be able to keep my mouth shut and not need anything because then no one will ask me to dissociate or do anything else to hurt me in the present. Of course, I am too guarded by 5:30 on Wednesday to get any real help from Old Guy, but things are still better than when he was gone because at least now I don't live my whole life in bed and my body is not perpetually hi-jacked by a sobbing five year-old who wants to die because the others won't let her talk to her mother (Old Guy).

The things is -- I like New Guy. I like him a lot, but... I think something is missing there. Or maybe it's just that he's still too new? I don't know. At least I don't think he is a danger because Rambo chose him and he also chose the rules of engagement. As for the husband, it fucks me up worse to go crawling to him because I actually fuck him every rare once in a while. Having to go to him when I am pathetic just causes even more stuff to come up, upping my chance of eating a bottle of pills and winning a trip to the morgue with no return flight. And so I have to live my life in such a way that I don't end up with any emotional needs that I can't meet all by myself. I think I am just going to have to get used to the idea that this is all there is for me and I need to just live with that and find some way to build some semblance of a life inside these confines. Even a superficial life is still a life. Maybe I can even stay alive long enough for my daughters to grow up. I still have to put up with myself in the meantime, but I'm thinking maybe that's not so bad as long as there is good wine.

Excerpt from last night with Old Guy: (when he kept on about me getting a massage even though I can't)
Me: Will you accept my screaming phone call from the bathroom floor afterwards?
Him: *laughter*

Yeah, I'm a regular comedian.

Can I just say one little thing here? It's much too late for such, but if I had it to do over again I would never go to any therapy. I'd just figure it out by my fucking self somehow right from the start because if nothing else, I am incapable of stabbing myself in the back. I'm not flexible enough to do that. I think it might be the damage from the arthritis.