Do you know what hurts me the most? It is the fact that I have a real desire for something that I need another person's help in order to achieve. Maybe it's not so much that I need another person's help that hurts me, but that I don't have it in the way that I need. The things I need to face are such that I need a very strong ally who is completely accepting and firmly grounded in truth and reality. I need someone who is truly conscious and I am very dismayed by how rare such persons are. It is not at all rare to find those who claim to be conscious, but it has been my experience that those who claim such usually live at quite a low level of true consciousness. Yet they are victims of their own folly and completely unaware of it. This disturbs me on a very deep level.
It is worse somehow when such a person is a therapist. How ironic is it to be the person who has the so-called 'dissociative disorder' and still have to be the one in a therapeutic relationship who has to bust up the dissociation of the other? It's so fucking depressing. People do not understand the ways they run from themselves and those they think they can 'help'. 'Help' me do what, exactly? Find new ways to dissociate and pretend? I really don't need assistance in that area. I've pretty much got it covered. I need no new drugs, no more distraction, no meditation, no gods, no overly aggressive grounding and self-care with which to drown out my memories and real feelings, I just need someone who will not leave me and negate my reality when it is too much to handle on my own. I need a safe person who is conscious enough to not run out on me or turn on me when the shit hits the fan. I need that and I don't know where to go anymore. I don't know where to turn. I'm the one who is supposed to be the fucking fruitcake here, yet sometimes I feel like the only sane person in a land of lunatics. It's not fair. I don't understand how I could have dragged myself this far on the timeline and still be in the same place without the kind of help that I need. Is there anyone conscious out there? Anyone?
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yeah it's prett f-ing depressing! I honestly don't know if that type of 'safe' mhp exists.
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{EH}}}}}}} Thinking about you!
ReplyDeletemmm. yep. I still believe in the arsonists theory.
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Oh, btw, Bennie is behaving like he has his old spirit back - he must be feeling much better. I love him so much and I am so happy that he is feeling better. I wanted to tell you that.
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