I really miss my son.

I wish he wasn't so far away. I wish I didn't have all the scary issues that I have. I would like very much to visit him, but I can't yet. For those who don't know, my boy is in prison for robbing pharmacies. It cost him, my husband and me A LOT to defend him. It cost us all emotionally and financially. Still, he won't be released for several more years. Still, I figure eight and a half years is better than what he might have gotten, but I miss him. I am no fan of crime by any means, but I am a big fan of my kid. He fucked up royally, but he is totally salvageable and I am still very proud of him. I have known him since before I was even consciously aware of his presence in my body and I know what he is about at his core. I have known him longer than anyone else has, and I approve of him as a person. I DO NOT approve of his crimes, but I approve of HIM. I know how much more there is to him than his weird crime spree that day. No one but me, his mother, thought to ask him why he robbed with an empty BB gun. I asked because I know him and already knew the answer. As his mother, I felt it was my duty to ask the question so he could hear himself when he gave the answer. Why did he do it like that? He started crying when he said, "I just didn't want anyone to get hurt. I couldn't take the chance." Because that's what he is. He doesn't really want anyone to get hurt. This is a whole 'nother blog post, but I wish HE had never been hurt. I did everything I could when I discovered his hurt and I was on his side to the very best of my ability, but he DID get hurt. He got hurt by a horrible man and that doesn't just disappear when the mother finds out and removes the child and calls the police. It just doesn't. I understand the lure of the drugs and I try to convey that in a way that fosters personal responsibility in tandem with hope for the future. I am far away, though. Yes, we speak on the phone often, but I would so love to see him. I just hope that I am helping him with my encouragement and by managing his affairs in his absence so he can maintain the hope of having something to come back to.

You know what I most love hearing about when I speak with him? I'll tell you. You know how we all hear these terrible stories about gangs and racial hatred in prisons? Well, things are different for my boy. He aligned himself with a group of other white men who want to better themselves. They want to increase their knowledge and their ability to gain good employment when they are released. This group of white men aligned themselves with a group of Mexican men who want the same thing. Now the two groups are one. The white men are helping the Mexican men learn English and the Mexican men are helping the white men learn Spanish. I love getting requests for educational material to further their cause. Yes, these requests make me cart my agoraphobic as on over to the bookstore as soon as I can possibly manage it. I want this for my boy, and for all those men, be they brown, black or white. Deep down, he is still the same little boy who took on the playground bully to defend his best friend when she was being degraded and picked on just for being black. My boy sees past that kind of bullshit and I'm proud of who he is. I know he has a future. I just wish I were better equipped to be more involved with his PRESENT. I wish I could visit. If I had one wish right now, it would be that.