Falling Down in Public

Something isn't right, and I don't know what it is. There is something here, but I can't see it clearly. It torments me in tiny pieces, each one jagged, and none seem to fit anywhere. I am trying, I really am, but I'm not sure what it is that I'm trying at right now. Sometimes I think the best thing is just to ignore all this garbage. Get rid of it, get over it, get on with things. It's not so easy. Still, I have things I must do, so I drag myself up and I slog on. I just keep going. Sometimes my slogging is not enough and I can barely keep up with the essentials. Other times, I can do everything that I feel I really need to do. Once in a while I get done a tiny bit 'extra' (which simply means more than usual), and I feel a little more hopeful, but it takes everything I have to go that far. Sometimes I then fall down in an exhausted heap and end up worse off than if I hadn't tried to buck the system in the first place. And I don't even know what the 'system' is. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know which pieces are important and which ones are not. And I don't know where things go. I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid to go to sleep. The shit that's been happening to me while I sleep is just not right. And I can't fix it. So I just drink until I pass out because I don't want to feel anything. Feeling it doesn't resolve it or it wouldn't still be happening. I don't know what's going on. Everything is filed in the 'I don't know' file. Including me. Sometimes I feel hopeless.

I'm closing comments. No offense, but I can't deal with it right now should I be graced with the presence of any 'enlightened' idiots who might feel inspired to leave some inane bullshit in the comments of a total stranger's blog. Frankly, I'm too tired for the public hanging that it would normally incite. I will just leave a few canned responses for those frustrated strangers right here and let them pick whichever ones they feel might be most appropriately suited to the comment they are unable to leave.

1. Go fuck yourself.

2. Bite me.

3. Go fart rainbows somewhere else. You secretly know you're a much bigger pussy than I am, don't you? You're a fucking fraud, too. Get lost.

4. If you don't know which response goes with your comment, then you could always draw straws right before you go fuck yourself.



And to all of you, my friends -- Take care. I'll be back when I can. I will probably still peek in at your blogs, but my commenting is still sporadic. I hope you won't take offense. I have a comment, it's just that my fingers won't let me type it through the fog that moves in to block my way. I'm just having a bad time is all. I'll be back.