IMPORTANT NOTE: I hope my Christian readers will not take offense to this post. Friends, this has nothing to do with you directly and I still welcome you here. With that said, here are Saturday morning's emails to the therapist.
5:22 A.M.
I slept very, very well Friday. I wish that were enough, but I was very tired all day and all night afterward. It's the kind of tired that originates from something other than a physical need. Something is wrong. I don't like the weather or the look of the shifting light outdoors. With the exception of the tropical ones, I don't even like the trees. I don't like the crispy feel of the air as the coolness creeps into the evening. As much as I hate feeling unclean, I would rather sweat than put up with this. I detest the smell of neighbors' fireplaces. Sometimes it even makes me angry and hateful. It makes me think of the hometown, the lake, camping at my uncle's cabins, my pathetic family and their incense and other idiotic religious garbage, the grandparents' horrid catholic church by their house, and my Aunt K's exorcism of the grandparents' house. I felt sorry for her when the others were calling her crazy (even though I equally despise her own stupid church right along with the others). I have been thinking of the terrible panic attacks I used to have after going to church (catholic) when I lived in the old neighborhood across town. I've been thinking of the mother and her pastor's wife who thought my anxiety attacks were the product of being stalked or dwelt in by a satanic force and dared to insinuate such ignorance right in my own house (yes, they pushed until they met Rambo - personally, I was delighted, highly entertained, and also temporarily 'cured', but they were probably more convinced than ever that I was possessed). And there is something else... only I don't know what it is. I think it's just the weather reminding me of the hometown and of my family. Except for the problem of the moon story. That has been on my mind, too, but that didn't happen until after we left the hometown and went to Texas. You see? All tangled up. I've been either terrified or horribly depressed the past couple of days. I'm guessing the depression moves in to stamp out the anxiety for a while. I'm going to go drink. I'm sure you can see why I would want to.
Dream Mother, if the depression or the 'wasteland' ever gets me to the point that I cannot speak, please don't leave me like that. It's a really bad place. Absolutely no doctors, but don't leave me. You can always talk to the husband and figure something to get me out of it without doctors. You have my permission right here in writing to speak to him about whatever you think you need to should something that desperate happen to me. He will help me if it gets that bad and you could help him do it. If it happens, ask him what he did the times when I couldn't talk but could answer him sometimes by writing on a piece of paper. Being sent to a hospital would only make things much, much worse for me. Frankly, I'd rather be mute. Hell - I rather be dead.
Unfortunately, I have to go to bed soon. Which means I have to shower. I have been washing my hair in the sink because I can't stand to have the water take over my whole head like that. But at least I've figured out something that can help a little bit. I'm going to go get that drink now. Goodnight, Dream Mother. I love you.
7:56 A.M.
Dream Mother, I'm not trying to be a pest, but I hope you can find time for this before Wednesday. I know what a big part of the current problem is now since I sent you that last email. I searched my blogs and I found it. Religion is the problem. I read about it on the old blog in this post. Halloween is also the problem. I wrote about it back in October of 2006. Most frightening though, is this post from October of last year. That stuff really scared me. It scared me very, very badly. I had a nervous breakdown later in 2003 because of the stuff that happened on Halloween that year. Some of my stuff is because my mother, her family, and various christian churches have tortured me with spiritual and psychological abuse. They tried to brainwash me to believe their sick, deluded and defeatist bullshit, most of it very dark and hopeless. I don't believe it now, but I was just a little kid then. Not believing it now doesn't seem to be enough to get me out of the hell this stuff creates. I don't remember my first communion. I saw pictures, so I know it happened, but I wasn't really there. And I am not surprised by that. Dream Mother, can you help me? I don't know what to do. I need this Halloween to be different, but I'm not sure how. I do know one thing, though. Those sick fucking assholes should get down on their knees and kiss the ass of their imaginary god for the fact that I'm not really crazy like they all say. If I were truly crazy, they would all need some serious hiding places. And really good fire insurance. Because hell hath no fury like a really pissed off Atheist. Dream Mother, please help me.
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I followed a link from Grace's blog. I haven't known her long but I can see similarities! I think it's wonderful that you found each other.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, this particular post is truly heart felt and I agree with you about religion.
(((LYNN))) As I'm reading this I hope you are getting some sleep. Peaceful sleep! I can hear how fearful it all feels for you right now. I wish the dream mother were there with you right now and you could lay your head in his lap and he could stand guard while you AND Rambo sleep.
ReplyDeleteIf I were there with you I would sit next to you and bring you as many blankets as it took to help you get warm. I would stand guard all day while you slept. And when you woke up, we could have some comfort food (and beer and wine :-D of course) and we could write distasteful limericks and poems about the flying nun.
Sending you strength and my "Grace"...
I hope you slept, I'm so sorry you're feeling tired and scared and angry. I'm not christian and I'm not religious, so no offense taken here.
ReplyDeleteBloody religion.
ReplyDeleteHope you got some good sleep.
You don't ever have to worry about offending me. I've often wondered about a god anyone would choose who would be so easily offended. Doesn't seem very God-like to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the fear. This time of year is really hard for me as well. Maybe some year it will be different for us both. Sending lots of (((((((safe, gentle hugs))))))
Lynn,
ReplyDeleteThere are few things I despise more than religions (as you may recall) and the catholic church in particular (for reasons similar to yours). All of them engage in some form of emotional and mental abuse & they LOVE to direct it at children who can't know any better to make permanently dependent victims of them. Douche-Clowns!
I used to be an rabid atheist but I can't use that term for myself anymore. I see the good things in my life & the unbelievable luck I've hit on a regular basis . . . I see the sun come up and look at the amazing beauty of the world & how flawlessly structured the universe is and I can't discount some kind of force behind it all. I DO discount any asshole in a robe who wants to tell me HE/SHE knows what that force wants from me and how I should behave though. I figure if God can make a universe this cool from nothing, he's smart enough to Google my phone number & let me know himself what he wants from me. :-)
As for Halloween, I hope you can take it back for yourself and your family. For starters, ya GOTTA get rid of the friggin' toothbrushes (for the third time!) and give out some fun, irresponsible, damn good tasting CHOCOLATE that will rot the kiddies teeth out! :-) Fuck oral hygiene for one day! Enjoy being the cool lady on the block who gives out the giant Snicker bars . . . you know, the house the kids come back to three times? Dress up in the goofiest costume you can and put all your candy in a big witches caulron - ya' know: a little extra satanic touch of heresy to truly piss off the "pure" -and hand it out yourself. Don't tell a single child to "be safe" . . . tell 'em all to "eat as much of that candy as you can before bed tonight!" :-)
Most of all though, try to chill, get some sleep, and feel better about yourself cuz all us around here think you're pretty OK . . .
Later!