Monday, October 19, 2009
I'm Ashamed of You
We got into one of those laughing, joking family discussions. The topic was 'the first words you ever said'. Our kids all said normal things like mama, dada, and baba. My husband drew laughs when he told how his first words were, "I eat." What can I say? His mama overfed him and the man still likes his food. The kids thought "I eat" was hilarious. My first word? I *thought* it had its funny element, but I guess not. My first word was "shit". I'm not kidding, that's what it was. I was in my highchair and my mother was dressed in her white nurse's uniform feeding me right before work. I spit the food back at her and splattered her uniform and she said, "Oh, shit." Babies are like parrots, you know? The kids did not laugh at my story. They looked rather horrified (because they know nothing of the crazy woman who writes this blog). One of the twins gasped and said (only half joking), "Mommy! I'm shamed on you!" Yeah, she's never heard the words "I'm ashamed of you," so in spite of the prep school education she is receiving, she didn't even know how to phrase it. I'm trying to take my comfort in that. It ain't workin'. I'm ashamed of me, too. I've always been ashamed of me and I don't know how to fix it. There is a lot about my life that my children don't know. It simply wouldn't be appropriate to tell them too much about certain things. I thought the first word thing wasn't that bad. I guess I should just be quiet. There is nothing about me that good, innocent people would find acceptable. I should not have contaminated my children with a real story about myself.
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YOU are not contaminated, nor are YOU contaminating your children. YOU are a beautiful woman with a heart of gold and many, many talents. You are a great mother in spite of the lack of a role model.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you're 'the bomb' (yeah, I know they don't really say that anymore, but I'm old)
((((LYNN))))
I would like to echo what Saving Grace said. I think you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteGrace- they still say "the bomb" :-)
ReplyDeleteLynn - this is what Dr. Miller tells me... She says its amazing, and maybe even a miracle, that a person with such a rotten childhood can grow up to be a loving and protective mother.
She also says that at 14, punkin is old enough to know that my childhood sucked... Maybe not with all the gorey details, but in broad strokes...
My first word was "doof" (its what I called my Dad) but then after that my mom's favorite "else learning to talk story" was "fuh-dih-dih" ("forget it"). The story goes that I wanted a tomato sandwich. I asked her for one over and over again but she wasn't really paying attention. Finally I said "fuh-dih-dih" and walked out of the room.
A few minutes later my mom walked into the kitchen to find that I had mushed a tomato in half with a butter knife and stuck it between 2 pieces of bread. I was sitting on the kitchen floor eating my tomato sandwich.
(I guess I've always been fairly resourceful...).
Your kids don't need you to be perfect. They just need you to be their mom.
I
-else
It's not your fault that your first word was shit - you know that, right? You were a pure innocent baby who learned from the people around you. You shouldn't be ashamed because you have nothing to be ashamed about. And you sound like a great mom.
ReplyDeleteAccording to my mother I was so perfect when I was child my first word was probably not even a word, it most likely was mathematical computation, or a definition from the dictionary. I can't live up to the perfection that she has inflicted upon me.
At least it wasn't fuck, right? Or dicksmackbitchmuffin.
ReplyDeleteThe bright side, Lynn. Let me show you it.
"Contaminated"? With what? I do not believe that your children will grow up in a kind of bubble of pureness. You are surely not a "contaminating" person.
ReplyDeleteI dont think you have anything to be ashamed of. You parents sure do though.
ReplyDeleteYou are so hard on yourself.