I'm sure regular readers are quite familiar with my irritation with dishonest therapy methods that rely on, and actually encourage dissociation. This is so sad for survivors of childhood abuse, and most notably destructive for those who have problems with dissociation. We 'got rid of it' a long time ago and now that it has come home to roost, dishonest therapy methods such as CBT and DBT demand that we get rid of it all over again when what we really need is a compassionate witness for those who come forward to unburden themselves. Make no mistake, when we are instructed to 'contain' and 'store' our tragedies, they are stored up in our bodies where they might harm our health. How very sad.
The song at the end of this post really sums up for me why this can never work. A person is asked to contain water in a leaky bucket. When he asks how this can be accomplished, he is told a series of non-functional solutions that, in the end, rely on the ability to carry water in the original leaky bucket! Some people's 'buckets' have been so damaged by early abuse and betrayal that they cannot hold water and they need help to carry their load. It is so tragic when the so-called help comes in the form of 'just do it'. That slogan might work to market athletic products, but it doesn't work for those whose most basic tools have been denied them. There is no way to go back in time and get the love, care and acceptance that were denied when the 'bucket' was being formed. Dissociation is the only remedy for one in such a bind. And in such a false solution, we are left in our pain and isolation with no real help. Just like when we were children. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I say let the motherfucker leak. Let it fucking leak and get help from any safe place you can to deal with the resulting spills (be they water or be they ink).
Those of you who read here regularly are familiar with how easy it is for me to complain about my therapist when he presents me with any kind of 'bucket'. I can go on for WEEKS about a single thoughtless sentence that passes through his lips (because of the terrible pain it causes). It is harder for me to do the opposite and express my gratitude when I am supported and listened to instead. Right now, I am doing just that. He did not leave me Wednesday night when I had that terrible flashback. Of course, I am not magically 'cured', but I feel supported enough that I can still take care of some things and not have to ditch my inner reality to the extent that is my custom. This is a good sign. It's a very good sign. Thank you therapist, thank you husband, and thank you Grace and loyal blog friends. And thank you, Jenny, for being so insistent and refusing to put your distress in a bucket. (And Marsha Linehan, I thank you for nothing. You just plain suck.)
And now... The problem with buckets...
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Bravo! YES! You're exactly right! I am a 'poster child' for the fact that buckets don't work. Now anyone I associate w/buckets, I want to slam their asses right in the buckets and see if they like it! And sadly, someone you could have trusted very much could join the bucket committee, leaving you alone with an addition of an additional trauma that cannot be 'bucketed'...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I have you though...very, very glad...
I don't think some therapists realize what dam is about to burst when they are peeling away layer after layer. I am speaking, most specifically, about those who believe in a psychodynamic approach. Stripping someone raw and then moving on isn't the same as teaching that person how to handle the trauma. I know there is a belief that once you relive the trauma through therapy, once you've accepted it and that it isn't your fault, that you should be able to move on, that the acceptance alone will be enough to begin the healing process. I've always had a problem with this.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm just naive
Yes, the 'bucket associations' are terrible, aren't they? I'm glad I have you, too, Grace.
ReplyDeleteHi, Stewart. I would beware of any therapist who tries to 'strip' anyone of anything. Fortunately, I have never had a therapist go 'digging' for anything, but I know there are those who do that. My problem has always been dams that leak and burst on their own just due to coming in contact with things and situations in my environment. For me, the best way to teach me how to handle the trauma has been to NOT offer me a bucket because it's really the same thing as trying to put the trauma back in the dam. I have never been able to 'extinguish' the reactions from any associations until I 'go back there' and see and feel where they came from, but that alone is not enough. I also need someone with me who will, no matter what, not start grabbing buckets and shoving them in my face. This is where the acceptance comes in. People only pay lip service to acceptance if they do not have what they need when they end up reliving something or confronting it emotionally. I think the process is multi layered, Stewart, but buckets only invalidate the pain for me. They recreate the barren and invalidating environment I grew up in. Really, the sudden appearance of a bucket when I'm trying to work through something is a command to dissociate. And we all already know what kind of stuff that can cause. People who live in Bucket Land are really just intellectualizing. And beware that faulty dam... You don't sound naive, Stewart. You sound like you need some additional thing after you confront something. I hope you can find out what it is and I hope you get what you need.
Aww man I'm going to have that song in my head ALL day! I think some therapists mean well -they want survivors to process memories slowly, deal with a little bit, then put the cork back in the bucket and hold on until next weeks' session. The Problem is that real life doesn't work that way. You pull that cork out and you're damn sure not getting it back in any time soon. Memories aren't on a weekly, one hour, every Thursday at 4 pm, schedule.
ReplyDeleteTo hell with the buckets. This post made me think of something from a book written by one of the people who trained my therapist. I thought I'd pass it along. She's like the Anti-Marsha.
ReplyDelete"Tolle talks about honoring the voice that runs amok babbling non-stop by witnessing the transcripts that chatter in your head. While he suggests that you quite literally stop thinking and instead embrace the present moment,I both agree and disagree. Force-stopping the incessant chatter is not really the answer. I commit that channeling that entity is really what will bring peace. Not cutting it off as you would turn off the flow of water to a faucet. No, I would suggest and entirely different approach. I say let the floodgates down. Let the chatter, the wellspring, and the language that desperately is trying to clang some sense into your noggin through. Give it entry. Offer it passage. Forge an aqueduct for cripes sake, but whatever you do, DON'T turn it off. Don't stifle it, squash it, hide it and for Pete's sake, don't ignore it. No. Instead, embrace it, mind it, see it, accept it, and for pity's sake, honor it."(page4)
- from Art Therapy as Witness: A Sacred Guide by Ellen Horovitz, Ph.D, ATR-BC