The Shame Manifesto

You can't tell and you can't get through it. You can't because it is too terrible to do by yourself and you can't let anyone see just how terrible it truly is. Other people can't deal with things that are that terrible. No one really wants to know, they only want you to smile, have gratitude, and be okay -- even if you're not. They can't deal with hearing about it unless you pretend that you're already over it and it wasn't that big of a deal - even if you have just begun to remember it and are sick and terrified. You know you can't pretend like that and this is why you have to be quiet. Shush. Be quiet. Don't remember. Don't even think. It's too dangerous. You might make a sound if you think. It will be an ugly one, too. Anyone who hears about what happened will know that it wasn't your fault. They will know that you couldn't stop it. They will say that rape, incest and child abuse are wrong. They understand. They also understand that you should just forget about it, put it behind you, and get on with things now. You're supposed to act normal and get over it quickly. You're supposed to be resilient. You can cry for a few minutes, and then you by-god better come up with some spiritual reason why you're fine now and your world is a happy place. You'd better live in the present moment. No one cares if nearly your entire life has been a series of present moments, each isolated from the others and not existing congruently. No one will even know what you're talking about if you try to explain that you habitually lived in the present moment out of necessity because all of the other moments were much too dangerous. They won't get it that you taught yourself the philosophy of the present moment before you even learned to speak in complete sentences. They won't get it that you had no choice if you wanted to live. And they won't get it that this method of survival, the only one available, made you so very sick. They don't want to get it. It's too horrifying and they will attack you if they start to truly understand the gravity of the situation. Forget it, okay? And don't cry or scream. Nobody likes it. You'd better be okay with things goddamn it, or you'll find yourself all alone in the dark. Again. You'd better contain those goddamn tears unless you can shed them briefly and politely right before you suddenly see what a wonderful and benevolent place the world really is. But no one blames you for what happened to cause all of this misery. No, that is not what you are blamed for. Rape is not the shame -- YOU are. Have another drink. Don't worry. You'll dissociate again when you wake up with a hangover and then everything will be okay. You will once again have only the present moment because all the other moments will be dissociated. Then you will be acceptable. See? You ARE capable of maintaining the status quo! Try not to think about that, though. Other people already hate you. You wouldn't want to end up hating yourself right along with them. Fuck them. Hate them instead. They don't like you anyway. You bled on their fairy tale.