My father knew why I was crazy. I really think he knew. My husband told me that my father said something strange to him when he was dying. He said, "(Bitch) and I weren't very good parents for Ethereal when she was little." Talk about your classic understatement. He was such a fucking terrorist. A really sick and twisted motherfucker. He was usually, mostly different by the time I was grown. He was also my rescuer and my best bud. He always swooped in to save me from The Crazy. I don't know if many will understand this, but it about killed me when he died. And then my personal shit hit the fan in a very terrible way. In many ways it was worse than ever before. I remember one night, even before I 'knew', praying to God to please tell my father that I forgive him "for anything he may have done".
It's been a really bad night here. And I should probably keep my ass off the fucking youtube, too. I found this song. He used to sing it to me (after I was grown up). He had a deep bass voice, too. And he used to say that to me whenever I would call him on the phone.
"Hi, Daddy."
"Hello, Darlin"
I've been feeling mostly sick tonight. Distraught. Just very distraught. He should be here to answer me and to apologize. As horrible as he was, he was also my only source of comfort. And I can't even explain how much that hurts.
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A million miles away and I can feel your pain, the pain of being physically sick and all the emotional pain piercing through you like an ice pick. I can see you sitting, watching youtube videos...tears on your cheeks. The conflict of feelings for your father...I can't imagine how much of a struggle that is for you.
ReplyDeleteI clicked on the video and listened to the song. Wow - it reminded me so much of the past too, not in the same way as you...but my parents listened to all these nashville singers as they would sit in the kitchen and smoke and drink...I'll leave it at that.
I'm so sorry that I wasn't here to sit with you in your pain. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you felt alone.
Probably too late, but i'm here now.... listening and sitting with you. Hell - I'll have a beer with you.
((((((LYNN))))))
I care!
{{{{{{Ethereal}}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteMixed emotions are so hard to deal with. I feel your pain and wish I could help you. I glad you found some comfort. Hang in there dear one.
I watched a documentary tonight about the hunt for the last Nazi's that may still be alive. They hshowed an old interview with Soimon Rosenthal. He said that of all the Nazi's that he had tracked down, only two had ever felt remorse at the end.
ReplyDeleteHe was not an innocent.
{{{{{{{lynn}}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteThis could have been a post I might have wrote in a future parallel universe. Sorry if I don't always respond...too many triggers.
ReplyDelete