Monday, August 31, 2009
For Harriet - The Story of a Crisis Line Call
I was severely triggered recently by the pain of a urinary tract infection. True to form, I alienated my therapist when I felt the thing brewing. Don't you know the first order of business for me is to cut off all forms of help (potential harm)? Anyway, I was a complete mess. I can't even describe the terror that the pain brought me. I was so confused. It reminded me of terrible things and I could also feel it stepping on things that are beyond the reach of my conscious memory. It all caved in when I had no choice but to track down my gynecologist and ask him to phone in a prescription antibiotic to my pharmacy. Thankfully, it was late on a Friday and he didn't ask me to come in. If he had, I would have gone to the feed store with my usual cock and bull story of a 125 pound German Sheppard in need of penicillin. Yes, I have taken dog pills before to escape doctors! I swallowed the pill from this trustworthy doctor who delivered my littlest and took kind care of us, and then I lost it. I left frantic messages for the therapist that I had so recently (and literally) told to "fuck off". He didn't answer. I figured it was because he had taken my advice and had fucked off. Turns out, he was gone all day and did not get my messages (though he kindly responded the next morning - he is nice). I was so messed up that I can barely explain... I was desperate and rapidly losing touch with all that is real. I called the RAINN hotline while I still had access to the 'why' of it all. I have never, ever spoken to anyone on any crisis line before, but I called and I did not hang up. I don't know the name of the lady who answered the phone. I will never see her and I will probably never speak with her again, yet she was very important to me in a very crucial moment. She will always be important to me. She listened to me and did not judge me even though I was a mess. She seemed to understand. This made me feel a little more calm and accepting of what I was going through. It allowed me to stay in touch with the real reason for the panic and gave me that little edge I needed to step up to the plate and take care of myself. I hope I didn't scare the poor woman. I'm so glad someone was there. I'm not sure what would have happened to me if I hadn't found someone to talk with right away. Harriet, there is nothing odd about wanting to volunteer to answer a hotline. And there is nothing odd about you.
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I'm glad that Harriet was there when you needed her.
ReplyDeleteI myself have not seen a gynecologist since my son was born--nineteen years ago. And I have no intention of doing so anytime in the near future.
I called a crisis line in my twenties. They are very important.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you were able to find some comfort with Harriet.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how many times I have emailed DT and told her to fuck off for not 'being there' for me when I am in crisis. I've often done this when she has no idea I am in crisis becuase I refuse to call her. It's so hard....and I wanted to share this with you so you know you're not alone out there...
Take care of you....
I'm so glad you had a positive experience with your hotline and that they were supportive and non-judgmental. I feel that even if I can't help someone, if I can be supportive and show them unconditional positive regard, I am doing something for them.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad you had the courage to call. It can be very frightening to call a strange number and not know what to expect. It might be important for people to know that we can't see the phone number that they are calling from, it's totally anonymous.
And it's also important for your commenters to know that it wasn't me you talked to! It was another volunteer at a totally different hotline. Just wanted to clear that up.
It is so kind of you to write this post and direct it to me. I'm crying writing this. I also don't think there is anything odd about a person wanting to work on a hotline, but I think we're in the minority. As for me being odd, well, thank you for saying I'm not. I'll leave it at that.
I hope you're feeling better and that you never have to to take dog medication again!
RAIIN is an awesome group, I am glad you found some support with the hotline.
ReplyDeletePeople who can clear thier head enough and have the right listening skills to work those lines are very much true heros. saved my life, that's for damn sure.
In Germany it is the "Telefonseelsorge". Know people who worked there. They do a good job. The caller first, anything else second. Started 20 or 25 years ago, non profit, not bound to a certain religion or organization, can be tough sometimes.
ReplyDeleteBut it is as simple as can be: Somebody has to be there. For the one who calls, not for anybody else.
I'm glad Harriet was there when you needed someone. I think hot line are wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to pick up the phone and call. That is an important step.
ReplyDelete