I'm so grateful to have someplace to go. I love you guys.

Since my therapist is on vacation, I have decided to write some things down and send them to him before our next appointment when he comes back in the middle of September. I guess I will just save up a few entries/ paragraphs and send the thing as one email a couple of days before our appointment. In the meantime, I hate being alone with this stuff. Here is the first part of the email that I will send him. I wrote it tonight (Sunday night/ Monday morning).

We have officially had the swine flu. The muscle aches hit me pretty good and I am also recovering from injured abs because I am sometimes under the slightly mistaken notion that I am Superwoman (and so I declined the Tamiflu for myself). All in all, though, most of us (especially me and the littlest) were not very sick at all. Still, the anxiety was and is still (because of sore abs) pretty intense. There has been a fair bit of dissociation going on the last couple of days. I hate sickness. I hate that it even exists. After nine days of not drinking a single drop of beer, I have decided to throw caution to the wind tonight and get sauced. I need to feel good. After several days of waking anxiety and sound sleep, the tables have turned. I had a bad nightmare. I dreamed that I sent the littlest to a doctor or dentist and a very inappropriate examination/ violation took place. I was my mother in this dream and so I could read her mind. Of course, the littlest had to be me. ‘I’ knew what happened and swept it under the rug. Like I said, I was my mother in this dream. (Remember I told you what I once thought about the dentist I had when I was five? And how a dentist in that town was convicted of molesting children while he had them sedated and I don‘t know if he was my dentist because I can‘t remember? And how I freak if my teeth are not spotless because I don‘t like dentists or doctors as evidenced by not seeking treatment for myself for the swine flu?) I’m going to go make the lunches now. Two of the children are completely recovered and can go back to school. The other one is fine, too, I’m just not convinced that she can’t spread it because the glands under her chin still feel a little swollen.