I've been a little too disorganized to answer comments and emails, but I have read every one and I appreciate them all. I've been a little busy having screaming nightmares and fending off a major flashback. I think I will soon be in a better space. I already feel some improvements. I feel something else, too. Relief. And gratitude. The therapist did not leave me, my husband is here and he takes care of me and helps me explain things to the children so we can make sure they are not frightened when things get bad. I'm normal in front of the children when I am awake, but I can't force myself not to scream when I am asleep. I'm so glad these kids know they are loved and safe and that nightmares can't really hurt their mommy. They know the nightmares can't hurt them, either, and that their mommy and daddy will take care of them no matter what. And I'm so glad I have blog friends who don't think I'm a freak. Something big happened in therapy Wednesday. Something very good. This whole recent business with the therapist is much more multi-layered than it seems. I don't even understand it all myself just yet, though I know it spreads beyond the the old incident with therapist. Some of it pre-dates our relationship, and some of it feels like it's about protection from horror in general. And protection from being able to tell. Telling was always dangerous and bad. Even so, in spite of the recent rampages of the protector... I have not been deserted or treated harshly. Instead I was accepted, understood, comforted and given hope. And a teenage girl was able to let something be revealed. I have discovered by something the therapist said, that he really wants to help me and that he believes people like me. He believes me. Somehow I feel humbled, but not in a bad way. I feel hope. I feel safe. I know it's a little early for me (!), but I'm going to bed. I don't think I am as afraid as I was before.