It pays to save old emails...

I found this letter that I sent to the therapist July 25th of LAST YEAR. Yes, there is indeed something wrong about summer. This whole freaking mess has happened before. Lots of upset has accompanied summer since moving to Florida, but this letter just knocked my socks off. The protector (spoken of as female) was watching and was keenly interested in it last year, too. This is astonishing to me. It just is. I have so many questions and so few answers. Check this out and tell me if you feel a little deja vu.

from July 25, 2008

Hi, (therapist).

I slept after we spoke. I dreamed. I was back in the other house across town. I was in the family room at the rear of the house that I converted into a bedroom, but it was set up like this current bedroom instead of the way it really was/ is. I was in bed looking out at the sky over the backyard. It was a very big sky. It was raining. I was wearing a child's ring on my finger and it was pinching and making my finger sore, but it would not come off. I went outside in the backyard. It was wild and overgrown as if it hadn't been tended. Even though it was overgrown, the growth was sparse and scraggly; not diseased, but undernourished in the way that plants get when they are striving to get enough light. I walked the length of the house and (12 yr old daughter) was by the gate. She was not a bland dream character. She was very beautiful and vivid as she is in real life. The gate was not like the one that is really in the yard at the old house, it was pickets like the one over here. The rain was really coming down and I looked down at (daughter's) shoes. She was standing in a puddle, but she was not getting muddy because the ground was sand, not dirt, and clear water was pooling in shallows. Colorful and somewhat scraggly wildflowers bloomed on rhizomes around her feet. She was headed around to the front of the house to do something. I was confused and didn't want her to go, but I did not want to inhibit her. She unlatched the gate and looked at me with a big, radiant smile and said, "Don't forget which one I am, okay?" I watched her go and then I went inside to the bathroom (not my 'real' bathroom - this one has featured in other dreams, too) where I discovered smears of blood on my underclothes. My stomach (not my generalized tummy - my actual stomach as in the organ where food goes after being chewed and swallowed) began to hurt and the pain became very intense and I thought I was dying. I tried to scream for (husband), but not much sound came out as the pain was strangling me. I woke up actually trying to scream for (husband). Luckily, that part was real, but physical pain was not. I did notice that I was very hungry, though, and I realized it was nearly time for dinner and I had not yet eaten anything all day.

There is a lot here. I'm not sure what all of it means, but one thing stands out most to me (besides the obvious need to eat and take care). It is (daughter). The sand, pooled water, and flowers at her feet. Her leaving the backyard to 'go to the front of the house'. "Don't forget which one I am, okay?"

Not sure, but I know this - I know enough to write to you about this and also to ask you to please not inhibit. I will be very angry with you later, and rightly so, if you do anything to stand in her way after I manage to stop doing that myself. If you, like me, are wary of this situation (even unconsciously - especially unconsciously - so please find out), then please figure out something for yourself. Do not inhibit and do not abandon emotionally. Please. It will only incur the wrath of the very uncivilized (and don't try to civilize her) beast-woman who is keenly interested in guarding the safe passage of children who seek freedom. I may have only dreamed this due to the urge to write and the recent development of a story idea, but just in case... well, now we are both under a storm watch, so to speak, and less likely to be completely taken by surprise.

August is historically shitty. If you are going on vacation then, now might be a good time to let me know that so I am better prepared. Talk to you Wednesday. And can you please print this out and keep it? Thanks. (And please don't take the above paragraph in the wrong way. I am not 'expecting' you to inhibit or abandon. I'm absolutely not. But we both are human and I am trying to avoid possible misunderstandings by letting you know where my head is. I wouldn't do that if I didn't value you so much. And, of course, I have to tell you now while it still seems important to do so. I might be somewhere else by tomorrow.)


Lynn

p.s. It's raining.

p.p.s. Please let me know my balance so I can be assured that I am on track right now in case this dream is warning me that I'm going down like a lead balloon over a pasture full of cow patties.




Did something happen to me in July? Maybe more than one something? Did it happen in Georgia, which shares our rainy season? Is this about the thing that was in my nightmare and was allowed to be told to the therapist Wednesday? But... I never 'forgot' about that one! Maybe the rain and too-white sky reminds of the general gloom of Ye Old Hometown and relates to something from there. Does this have anything to do with the very rainy city where I lived during the time of the dirtball? So many questions... I'm almost afraid to dig in and see what other emails and posts I wrote during this same time last year. Maybe I''l do it next week before therapy. Right now I'm getting my strength back and getting a few things done, but I will look into it later.