I had nightmares again Saturday morning. I spent most of the day in fear. And hypochondria. I've been feeling the crying place. I'm not crying, but there is crying going on somewhere inside. I can't do anything with it or about it. I tried for a really long time. I tried everything: focusing on it, thinking about it, distraction, not thinking about it, just noticing it's there and then going on about my business, trying to make things nice for myself... I got real tired so I'm having some beers. The thing with summer is about more than one trauma. I keep getting batted around back and forth by bits from here and there. I'm starting to have really, really bad thoughts again about how to make it all stop. I hadn't eaten much until a little while ago, but I had to spit out the last of it so I wouldn't throw it all up. There was one bright spot. Sort of. But for the security issues, I think I found my dream home. Too bad I don't have a spare $430,000. lying around. Oh, wait... I think I already live in a place just like that one. The powers that be won't let me move, either.
Note to crying place: STOP IT! I CAN'T HELP YOU. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. NOTHING CONSOLES YOU SO I GUESS THERE'S JUST NOTHING. GO AWAY.
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I'm sorry you're in that place. I was there a lot after my sexual assault in 1997. That and the afraid to sleep place. It may be fairly common to PTSD. I still can't sleep on a bed in my house, even though I've moved twice since this happened. I sleep on the couch with the TV on.
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm more in the angry, frustrated, cant-think place thanks to this crap schedule my supervisor has been giving me. I'd consider going and delivering sandwiches for the rest of the time I'm in school, only then I'd lose the scholarship from my current place of work.
I hope you feel better.
When this happens it feels so wierd to cry someone elses tears.
ReplyDeleteNightmares are the reason I'm still up at 5:02am.
I get it.
Austin
Thank you Lily and Austin. You might be shocked to know how desperately I needed to hear from my friends tonight.
ReplyDeleteI hear what you're saying here...your "crying place" sounds like the nonstop fear of the 5 yr old inside of me... Sleep is elusive for the traumatized. For me, it's difficult enough to feel safe when I'm awake, but then to try to 'win' the battle when I'm unconscious? forget that!
ReplyDeleteI hope you've been able to find even a few moments of peace...
Thinking of you ~ Grace
I wouldnt want to live in that building.
ReplyDeletexxoxx.
I still have trouble sleeping. Crying both on the inside and out,I get. Try sleeping with a soft stuffed animal. I find that sometimes helps.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you need to be in your crying place right now. Then soon you won't. I hope you won't need to be there very soon.
ReplyDelete