Incoming

I have been reduced to mostly blurking because 'things' have been swirling around my head. I'll be back when I can. The email I sent to the therapist explains it fairly well.

1. You helped me so much by sharing yourself with me and telling me what I needed to know. Now I know I can trust you. Thank you.

2. I am truly very sorry that I said so many mean things to you when I was all tweaked up and self-protective. I was wrong, only I didn't know that. I couldn't see past the pain and the perceived danger.

3. I haven't had a drink since last Wednesday morning. You gave me something and I took it and ran with it. I used it to help myself. Thank you.

4. I still have some catching up to do, but I fixed up my bedroom again. It's very nice.

5. I stayed connected up with myself and my body until I went shopping for the groceries Sunday evening. Then I started getting bugged by aches and any and all body sensations (I had my period and the hypochondria). That stuff threatened to bring it all crashing down. Then, right on cue, another lady in the store took a sudden interest in me and struck up a conversation with me. Only she was no lady in the classic sense. The wig was a very cute one, but I have experience in certain matters, so I knew. And the five o'clock shadow underneath the makeup was beginning to show through under the harsh lighting. Remember I once told you I'm a drag queen magnet? Yeah. Well... some things don't change. Anyway, I liked her immediately and stood there talking and talking and talking... like it was old home week or something. Then, when she was gone, I noticed that my aches and pains were gone, too. Then I wondered if wearing husband's underpants (because I was out of laundry) had sent out some kind of invisible signal. That thought threatened to make me laugh out loud like a loon in the middle of the store. Still - my aches and pains were gone. I knew it had something to do with talking to her and I suddenly wanted to ask her out for coffee. I looked around for her, but I guess she had already left the store.

6. The next night (Monday), I decided to go out for coffee with my husband instead. A terrible thing happened on the way home in the dark. It started with the glow from the dashboard in the dark. It made me feel very strange and I started to zone out. Husband was driving and I saw him in my peripheral vision and he was my father. He was about thirty years old or nearly so, he had on those glasses with the goofy black frames from the sixties/ seventies, and he had the baby-faced look that he used to have when he was young and before he started wearing a mustache. I had a panic attack and I was all weirded out. Husband had to help me sneak off to the bedroom in a way that would go unnoticed by the children.

7. I don't feel so well. I haven't really felt that well since Monday morning after the grocery store encounter Sunday night. I don't know how I will be by Wednesday, and I don't want you to be wondering what in the hell has happened if I am a mess again by then and am unable to tell you why.