It helped me a lot to talk with the therapist about the old incident Wednesday. We talked about it again Friday. I sent him an email first so I could be very clear in what I wanted to say about the things that still nagged my mind about it. He said he was glad I persisted with the subject and that some things in my email really made him think and gave him a lot of insight. He shared that with me. I'm glad he did. I needed to know those things. The most important knowledge I have gained in all of this is the assurance of my rightness of perception about his intentions and his true level of care and understanding with me. And also the validation of some of the private thoughts I have had about what might have gone wrong that day. I'm glad the thing that went wrong was not his heart. It was not enough for me to have the three subsequent years of evidence about his true nature without also having the intellectual knowledge about the catalysts for the events that unfolded that day. I sensed that this knowledge could provide me with important information about his character and the emotional safety of our relationship. There are some things for which I need full explanations. There are many things in my life I don't have explanations for, but for this... now I do. And just as when I hugged him close in his office, my body told me the truth about this contact, too. I can trust it, it is true, and it comes from a sincere place. I felt peace, I could really breathe, and my body relaxed... with me in it. I'm not necessarily thrilled about this level of presence in my body. There was a brief moment when my discomfort with it threatened to turn into a claustrophobic panic. It didn't escalate because I was not and am not by myself. I know he cares very deeply about me and he won't abandon me. I know he is happy to talk to me about these feelings and help me stay here for as long as I can. This makes me much less afraid. I'm still not comfortable, but I have not yet fled. That's a minor miracle considering I have my period. That is usually enough to completely shut down body connection. I really don't want to be in here with blood, guts, and terrible pain. But maybe it is a little less terrible now. Can terrible pain be less terrible? Yes. I think sometimes it can. It must be so as I have not had the desire to drown my sorrows (connection) with alcohol since I started hashing out the incident with the therapist. This is night number three and I don't miss that stuff. Not to sound like a lush, but it pretty much turned into a nightly thing in the past couple of months. The first night that I didn't want to drink, I just went to bed and didn't really think about it. It crossed my mind the second night, but I realized that I didn't have the desire and that it only came into my mind because it had become my habit. Habits... maybe they're like rules and are meant to be broken. :-) One at a time, bit by bit, until only the good ones remain.