When the Wind Blows

Can't sleep. Tired of just lying here trying to. And I'm still bugged about recent happenings. I love my therapist and I was mean to him. Yes, I know I was in a rage from our old incident getting stepped on, but it still hurts me that I was mean to him. I hate getting sucked up like that. I should have known this could happen. I was 'warned' a couple of months ago that there was still something here, but I was already in a mess that had nothing to do with him and I couldn't deal with anything more, so I ignored it.

I've been thinking of that warning tonight. It diminished the comfort I got from him when it came. What you see is pretty much what you get with me, so maybe you guys will understand this even though it is kind of oddball. I'm not a big hearer of voices, but there is occassional 'commentary'. Sometimes it's very clearly a voice and other times it's more like a loud thought. I was talking with the therapist one night and I was crying and scared with the PTSD hell raining down on my head. I could barely breathe and I was having trouble getting it together on my own that time. He said he wanted me to breathe. I said I wanted HIM. He said he would be with me in my breath and that made me feel more comfortable so I could breathe, but... there was the commentary. He said, "I'm right here with you in your breath." I felt myself relax just as I heard, "Great. What if he farts?" (Yes, my voices are pretty much as tactless as I am.) And then a little bit of my relief got restricted. I felt it happen. He was still able to help, but it limited things to have thought this was resolved when that wasn't yet fully the case. And it confused me to have both of those 'opinions' (he comforts me/ he might mess up) going off at the same time. Maybe that makes sense to someone besides me. Or not.

I'm going to try to go to sleep now. I need him with me in my breath, so I am going to put on some of the cologne that reminds me of him. It was a new fragrance for me when I wore it on vacation last summer when I visited with him in CA. I think the Rambo-ness will understand. After all, he wants me to be protected and be okay. He knows the therapist helps me feel okay when sometimes being too protected from his possible screw ups does not.