I've been in a rabbit hole, but I didn't know that's where I was. I really hate that. Emails were exchanged with the therapist. Mine were kind of ugly, his mostly puzzled. It was because of the last appointment coupled with the unfortunate and failed attempt to quit smoking. I got triggered big time last Wednesday. When the problem was smoking and the offered solution was a drug or the present moment - it reminded me. It reminded me of the time I was trying to process a rape with him three years ago and he got impatient and cold with me and told me to find a psychiatrist because I couldn't live in the present moment. Though we have talked about it and there was no further cruelty, I guess I don't trust when triggered like that. Now that I know what happened (the trigger), I sometimes feel more calm, yet doubts remain. What if... what if it was more than a trigger? What if this whole thing is just wrong? What if... What if... And such is life with Post Traumatic Shit Dysfunction. Or IS it a dysfunction? Intuition? Paranoia? The ol' dump-the-therapist-so-you-have-no-place-to-go-and-have-no-choice-but-to-stuff-it-all-down-and-hope-for-'normal' routine? I don't know. I don't have answers, but I do have questions. I emailed them --
For our appointment today, should you choose to continue or to answer these things at all. (I just thought it would only be fair and respectful to let you know in advance that I have an agenda.)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009 4:51 AM
THINGS TO DISCUSS WITH THE THERAPIST
1. I need you to know that I’m not sure we have the same values, and I also feel the need to restate that I’m not interested in DBT, CBT, ACT or any similar techniques. I’m only interested in being supported in my experience.
2. You once said we could talk about anything. Why did you become a therapist?
3. I once asked you your opinion about what percentage of the population you believe could benefit from the use of psycho-pharmaceuticals. Do you take any yourself?
4. I need to know more about you and your own history. I told you a long time ago that I smelled ‘matching baggage’ with you. I asked you about yourself and you said you would have to think about whether or not it would be helpful to me for you to disclose your own history. I am assuming you decided it would not and I can’t help but wonder why that would be. I am no longer comfortable with not knowing more about you. What can you tell me?
5. I still need to know what happened that day.
I might not like the answers to these questions. Being in a rabbit hole is not conducive to keeping up with the laundry, you know. I just put on my last pair of clean underpants. Thankfully, my husband has a lot more pairs than I do. Yes, I checked. Because being heartbroken isn't good for the laundry, either. I sure as hell hope he doesn't have jock itch, because after this afternoon's appointment, I might be wearing his underpants until I can get my shit together.
Sounds like you are having serious trust issues with the t. Do you think you can work through those? I don't particularly trust mine, but I don't NOT trust him either.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious to know how he answers those excellent questions.
Men's boxers aren't so bad to sleep in.
ReplyDeleteSending you good vibes for today's session
Oh please do let us know how it goes! I've been doing the love-her-hate-her seesaw with my therapist as well (as you well know!)... Mine "doesn't do email" (I was going to take it personally but then one day I offered to show her something on the computer and couldn't help but notice that she barely knew how to turn the thing on). Anyway, I wish my therapist would read emails because I'm much, much braver from behind my computer in the middle of the night...
ReplyDelete-else
You should be prepared that your therapist will probably not answer these questions to your satisfaction. Part of that is to preserve the therapeutic relationship. Therapists have to weigh the pros and cons of disclosure and generally tend to err on the side on not disclosing. You also have to ask why you are asking some of these questions. For example, I think it's completely irrelevant to you if your therapist has taken psych drugs. Paul.
ReplyDeleteIt was weird, Else. I knew I was upset about the Chantix/ present moment crap and I also knew that it resembled the old incident, but what I did NOT know was that the old incident completely TOOK OVER. Even after I got the whole picture, it happened again right while I was speaking with him. I totally went off, even called him a dick. Now I feel bad. Frustrated. I do think he gets it now about the 'present moment' garbage minimizing the experiences I am working to process, though. He's not allowed to say 'present moment' anymore. We talked more about the old incident and he really is sorry and is not trying to defend it. He's not trying to run. Still, it upsets me that it happened in the first place. I'm confused and I worry whether or not this will stay raw like this and have the ability to take over my shit if someone says a wrong word. There were countless times in the three years since that day when he had the opportunity to do it again, but he didn't. Yet... it's still here. I need/ needed to know why he did that. He doesn't seem to fully understand how it happened, either. He didn't know where his head was that day (and yes, I made a crude suggestion about where it might have been). I'm just tired now, I guess. It IS a love/ hate. And I hate that. I'm having trouble trying to process the appointment and I'm just so tired. I fell asleep on the sofa after I hung up. Knowing that I was reacting from the terrible pain of that day three years ago and not from last Wednesday should be enough for me to let myself off the hook for being so mean to him, but now I feel kind of bad about that, too. I know he did not and does not have any intention to hurt me. I guess we'll just see what happens. Tired.
ReplyDeleteHe did answer them all, Paul. And while it is irrelevant whether or not he has taken psyche drugs in the past (I didn't ask about drugs in the past), it is not irrelevant to me whether or not he takes them now. I would have absolutely no use whatsoever for a therapist who depends on psyche drugs. How can a therapist help get someone where they want to go if he doesn't know how to get there himself? He can't. Thankfully, my therapist is not a pill taker.
ReplyDeleteThat last sentence? I've sooo been there.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are ask such searching questions. It is important I think.
ReplyDeletexx.
Oh and I forgot to tick the email me with comments box, hence this comment...
ReplyDeleteAm I becoming senile in my old age?