I suspect the smoking is why I am thinking clearer right now about what has really been bothering me. There is just enough 'mental blocking' going on that I don't need to be dissociated. And I'd better post this quick, too, because I'm out of cigarettes and I don't want to get any more. I'm glad I took advantage of this and wrote the last post, and this post, and the following email to the therapist. Now they are all here for me in a way I can understand later so I can stay in touch with the issue, or at least be aware of it --
I have been a bit out of sorts since Wednesday. Now I know why. I am not dissociated right now, so I can think very clearly and try to be understood. You did it again, you know. The problem was cigarettes and the solution was drugs or the present moment. And NO - I have not been dissociated because of that conversation, it's just that I am only now making the conscious connection between that conversation and what I fear most. Anyway, my point is that I need something more than drugs or the present moment. You'll understand why if you read the link. I did the best I could to explain it while I was able (my anger informed me), so I hope you will pay careful attention and try to understand me. I need help and I guess I'm still afraid that something will come up and you will have only drugs and the present moment to offer instead of yourself. I have tried many methods for years and years to drown things out with the present moment. It doesn't work for me unless it's okay with me that I end up either nearly psychotic, very physically ill, or both. That's not okay with me. Drugs can't 'fix' me, and it doesn't work to use the present moment as a shield against undealt with crap. All that does is incite an inner riot. Are you with me or not? I'm afraid now (because I'm being truthful) and I need to know.
The story is here. Please answer. I need to know whether or not you can be with me like before without shoving drugs in my face or mis-using the present moment to invalidate every other moment and the feelings and states of consciousness that come from them. When you speak of the present moment as if it is superior and should negate other, very real moments, it's like telling me not to exist. I am trying to save myself, but I need someone to help me. I desperately need you to understand that. Please answer.
And to anyone who leaves a comment suggesting I try medication or the present moment - may the fleas of a hundred backwoods hound dogs infest your pubic hair. May you wake up with a head full of dandruff and a huge zit on your nose. And may you fuck off.
I thought it was great you sent that to your therapist. When people are at work they can sometimes forget about the people they work with (it happens to us all) and when you are in a possition like his you should remain more available. Sending this will remind him that you need 100% for him to listen, not a prescription.
ReplyDeleteDont mention hounds, mine have just gone into kennels!
ReplyDelete{{{{EH}}}}
Oh and sorry for my random comments!
But have you tried medication AND the present moment together as one? It is such a miracle!
ReplyDeleteI am only kidding. I hate it when therapists try to thrust medication on me. I tell them up front that I cannot tolerate most medications, I have tried several medications, no go, can't do it, they make me nuts. If a therapist is more about medication than conversing with their client, then they don't need to be a therapist.
If you have a chance check out lifespacings.blogspot.com
She is a lady with dissociative identity disorder and when you see the hell she's been through with therapists...it just really blows me away how ignorant educated people can be.
OK, I hear you don't want to take meds and living in the moment doesn't work so what you need is someone to really listen to you. I guess the question is can this therapist really do that for you. Only you can answer it.
ReplyDeleteAnd please, no fleas. I have enough issues already.
Hope you find the answers that work for you. You deserve some peace.
Suppressing issues don't work. My GP knew this, dog bless his heart. Will miss that good old fashioned sense of his...
ReplyDeleteThe only people who get worked up about self-medication are those who need prescription earnings.
In my case self-medicating has always been very helpful until it wasn't. :P
Stick to your guns on the Chantix, EH. There is a law firm that is running ads in my state describing the suicidal effects of that medication and soliciting clients who "may have been affected by its use." Especially if you have had a family member "negatively affected" by the medication, stay far, far away.
ReplyDelete"may the fleas of a hundred backwoods hound dogs infest your pubic hair. May you wake up with a head full of dandruff and a huge zit on your nose. And may you fuck off."
ReplyDeleteI think you should send this message directly to Marsha Linehan...love from Alice Miller. LOL.
for fear of fleas we wouldnt dare say take drugs, but we will say can your therapist take you down a the next path you are travelling, because maybe unless im going mental (which for once we arent) you are moving down a new path.
ReplyDelete