I don't know why I am still on this, except that I can't seem to sit with it in the daylight, but here is an excerpt from the email I sent to the therapist in my attempt to answer the question of the 'why'of my unusual attraction (see last two posts).

...I am also recalling a time I fell into a rabbit hole (before I knew what one was) when I was out running errands on the other side of town in Big City. I must have been triggered by something. I had the mother of all panic attacks and I couldn't get myself home. I didn't know what to do, so I drove to the house of my friends nearby. I was lucky I managed to get there. They took me in. I threw up in their bathroom and I couldn't stop crying and shaking. I was babbling incoherently and at some point I started screaming. I don't remember everything, but those two somehow talked me down. Then E brought me a drink. S took off my shoes and tucked me in and I cried myself to sleep in their bed. And I had NOTHING to fear from them. Nothing at all. And they understood. They didn't ask embarrassing questions afterward, nor did they become a warning voice inside my head. They still treated me like a normal person even after I had such a massive freak out right in front of them. It's all about associations, right? Though I am not naive enough to believe that gay (or anything else) is synonymous with good, I have never been harmed by any of my 'queen' friends. They understood me and we seem to have shared a wavelength. Long live the queens.

I have been remembering more about the day I lost my shit and went to the home of S and E. At some point between screaming and sleeping, S thought I could use some fresh air and we went out into the backyard. I must have wanted out of my own experience very desperately, because I started asking questions. That's what I do when I can't deal. I looked at the very drastic slope of the property and started asking him about the land use decision that had been rendered in regard to the property. S was a fellow real estate agent, so I got the scoop in detail and I had to don my professional hat to understand. I started to feel closer to okay, then I asked him what would become of that environmentally sensitive property that could not be granted any new permits. He said something like, "It's what we have. We'll keep loving it the way it is." That ended my okayness for reasons unknown. Then there was more crying, then drink/ bed/ sleeping. I must have spent the night. I honestly don't know. I remember what seemed like morning because E cooked and I remember toast. One of them offered me a packaged toothbrush from the linen closet and I freshened up in their bathroom. I have no idea what happened after that. I assume I went home, though it would not surprise me if I had gone to the office and worked like nothing had ever happened. It's what I would do. My workaholic boss would not have noticed. Sometimes she worked until 10 or 11 at night and showed up back in the office at the crack of dawn wearing B.O. and the same dress from the night before.

I loved those men. To me they were beautiful.