The Energy Budget Explained

Let's just say the average person wakes up with one dollar worth of energy units to spend on the day ahead. Let's just say I'm lucky and I wake up with an extra nickel.

I have $1.05 to spend to live my life each day.

1. Wake up, have coffee, eat, check email, check the market and take care of business there, etc. That costs about 5 cents worth of energy on an average day. That leaves me with $1.00 for the rest of the day.

2. Get dressed, brush my hair, clean myself up, etc. That costs about another 7 cents. There is $0.93 left.

3. Check phone messages, bring in the mail, straighten up whatever got messed in kitchen, bathrooms, etc. 10 cents. That leaves me with $0.83.

4. Chat with the husband and kids and hear their joys, complaints, and requests. On an average day with no curve balls, that costs about $0.10. I have $0.73 left.

5. Check the to-do list and do some small things to keep the progress going. The average cost there is $0.10. I have $0.63 left.

6. Dinner. 7 cents. There is $0.56 remaining. At least there would be for someone else, but not for me. On an average day I have about 26 cents remaining at this point. That's because I had to pay the stonemason who lives in my brain. On a day like the one I've described, it has cost me a total of about $0.30 so far to be 'okay enough' inside to organize and spend energy at all. Most days I just can't do much without the stonemason patching up walls and blocking things out for me. And the poor thing can't run on nothing. He costs me some of my energy units. And they don't seem to be cumulative. It's a use it or lose it proposition. Leftover energy units do not seem to carry over to the next day.

So what will I do with my remaining 26 cents? I must choose wisely. I could clean the kitchen (the cost is anywhere between 10 cents and as much as 50 cents if things are bad), do the shopping (10 cents - 15 cents), pay the bills (15 cents), do some laundry (average of 5 cents per load if I put it all away)... and at some point I still have to get ready for bed by showering, brushing my teeth, caring for my skin and hair (a whopping 20 cents unless I scrimp on something).

Also, something out of the ordinary might happen during the course of a day as well, such as my son calling from prison and needing me to do something for him when I only have a few cents left and a long list of things I need to do. Or one of the twins could dislocate a knee, or an argument might happen with the husband if I try to trim my energy budget by asking him for something. All of these things are expensive. Sometimes I get a few extra cents from pumping up my good nutrition. I might even get a few cents from a short nap, but that one is dangerous. Sometimes the simple act of dreaming causes the stonemason to raise his rates very drastically and I might not be able to afford that. Sometimes I can borrow from the next day, but the interest rate is nothing short of robbery. I might end up unable to get out of bed if I borrow too much. Energy units do not seem to accumulate, but interest does. Sometimes so much interest accumulates that I finally end up crashing really hard and that often happens when I don't even have anything at all left to give to the stonemason. This is when things can get especially ugly. I also have the option of laying off the mason from his job so I have more energy units leftover for my life. I can do this in two ways. They both suck.

Way #1 is drugs and alcohol. I don't use drugs anymore (medications burned too much energy in one way or another and thus defeated the purpose and usually made things worse), but perhaps you might understand why the alcohol keeps showing up (because it doesn't do that). Way #2 is the disconnect. I have referred to it as the detachment, autopilot, and 'magic' before on this blog. I like this way (somewhat), but it is not always available in sufficient strength. Even when it is, it often causes um... let's just say it causes certain cognitive and emotional deficits. I am detached from myself and others and certain aspects of my environment in this state. It is different from employing the stonemason. The mason is here so I can be here, too. When I am forced to lay him off temporarily, then I can't be here much, either. Sometimes my mouth says really stupid things when I'm not here to stop it. Also, my body is much more likely to be accidentally injured when I'm not here. I can't drive then, either. It's not smart. Sometimes very dumb things happen because of my mouth, too. Though everything that comes out of it is still true and logical, it is often perceived as cold, callous, and lacking compassion. People are to be avoided even more than usual then, because things are not likely to go well.

I laid off the stonemason tonight. My kitchen sparkles, I have fabulous hair, and very clean and expertly polished teeth. I even ordered a surprise for A and J's beautiful new bedroom, and one for our bedroom, too, as a special surprise for the husband. Flat panel, high definition, wall mounted... they will love them. Especially during baseball season. Sometime in the next day or two (or three), I need to paint the second headboard as the last detail for A and J's room, and then I need to put the damn things on and attach the reading lamps. Then I need to reorganize the bedroom of the littlest. I also have some things to do for my son. For now, I figure I've got about 5 cents left, so I guess I should get in the shower. I smell like sweat.

Sometimes I don't like my life very much.