Thank you for the supportive comments, friends. I'll be okay. Eventually. Today kind of sucked, though. I didn't have a hangover, but not having one was the high point of the day. After last night's post, and thinking that it would be best not to talk to the therapist while he was away, I had a bad dream about him. It was the type of dream that first caused me to start calling him the Dream Mother. My mother was in the dream, but it wasn't really her, it was him. Anyway, I dreamed that I left/ was separated from the Dream Mother. And then I found myself immediately plunged into a situation that I had a hard time recognizing as my life. My husband, kids, home, and rental properties were all gone. They were gone and I was a nearly bankrupt slumlord. The only thing I owned was a very seedy and ramshackle trailer park near a wooded area. The buildings were dilapidated. At first I tried to fix them up, but I was anxious and not feeling well. There were lots of people around who lived in the trailer park, too. They mostly seemed okay, but they were no help as they seemed not to have any knowledge at all about solving problems in any meaningful or lasting way. They were unskilled. It was all on me to do something and I was a nervous wreck to the point that my abilities, skills, and talents were very seriously hampered. Did I mention that my home was no more and this was where I also lived? Yeah. And then I suddenly had an infant to look after. I had to do something, so I left. The trailer park residents came with me and we found ourselves on a train. Bless their hearts, they were not brimming over with any kind of solutions for our collective poverty, and it seemed that I was the brains of the group. That was very unfortunate because my brain had been short circuited by the immense anxiety that had come to roost within me. I ended up clinging to this one particular woman. She had no solutions or ideas, but she was willing to at least try to help out in her way. The infant I had seemed ill and I knew she needed food, but there was none. The woman with me spread the word that food was needed for the infant. The others brought me little offerings, but they were nothing I could give to a tiny baby. It wouldn't have done her any good for me to eat it, either, as I was not lactating. As the train passed some decrepit building where the laundry was hanging out of the windows, I knew the infant might die. And then I woke up.

You see? There is no internal mother. Without him I live in an inner ghetto.

Then, after I woke up, I got a phone call that made things worse. The Dream Mother has a family emergency and could not keep the appointment. This scared the hell out of me. At least I heard from the person who called that HE is okay. But I worry now. I hope nothing bad has happened to anyone he dearly loves. I don't want anything bad to happen to the Dream Mother. After getting that phone call, I though of the dream. I don't want to be left with those people. In that place. So, I gulped down some pills and went back to bed.

I think if I find myself in that dream place again, I will sell the trailer park. It was a decent amount of land and I figure I could buy a house for myself and the infant, and also an income property of at least four units or less with the proceeds. And I can put it in the multiple myself and will not have to pay a listing side commission. The only thing I would have needed to make that happen would have been a fairy godmother to exchange my rags for a suit and get me some wheels since my car was also gone. Then I would cruise into town to play my favorite game - Let's Make a Deal.

:-)