**Drunken Blogger Alert**

I am such a shitty friend. I can't really get my act together good enough to comment much of anyplace. I have been able to fool my family fairly well, though. With clean laundry, yummy lunches, smiles and hugs... funny thing is... the smiles are not fake for my kids. I am delighted by their very existence. Mine is troubled, though. Ah, well... such is life, right?

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I cannot turn off the shit in my head. I can't seem to resolve it or fix it or make peace with it... I want it gone. I guess that explains my little indulgence in the carpet-bombing effects of good beer, eh? I sincerely hope I will not have a hangover when I wake up. That would totally suck ass. Anyway... I'm not happy. But I guess anybody who reads here has already guessed that.

I don't know what I will do tomorrow. I can't seem to work through the problems that are pushing at me right now... and then there is the matter of the therapist. Tomorrow is our last appointment before he leaves for Hawaii. As much as I want him to go and relax and be free, I also need him. Jesus this guy travels a lot. A regular fucking globetrotter. Yeah, he knows I need him. Trouble is, I also need to protect myself. The Old Problem I had with the therapist, in which he rebuffed my desperate teenage girl... he did that while vacationing in Hawaii. I guess I am so fucking fucked up that he knew I needed help even though he had scheduled a vacation, so he told me to call him for appointments while he was away. It went quite poorly to say the very least. I don't know what I should do. I want to talk to him while he is away, but... it feels risky. I don't like that. I like to contain my risk taking to my trading accounts (and occasional beer blasts - all hail Ye Powerful Irish Liver and Kidneys - and hope they're as kick ass as they seem).

Oh, my dear Internet... I don't know what the hell to do. If I bring this up, will he say something dumb like, "You don't have to take care of me."? Will I say something dumb like, "Well it seems that someone should have when we had Our Old Problem."? Yeah. Maybe I should have just known that it might be inappropriate to expect to be able to really talk to him while he was vacationing. Maybe I should have anticipated that I could get hurt depending on a situation like that one. Well for cripes sake I had no idea that was going to happen. Now I know it could. I feel that I need him, and I also feel the need to protect myself. But I don't want to hurt him. He is being very sweet about this. But he was sweet about it last time, too. Until I was scared and needy during that appointment while he was on vacation.

Voice number one - "Aw, come on. Have a heart. You know how much he regrets having hurt you. He hasn't done that again. Don't try to shut everything down now. That's not good. You need help and you know it."

Voice number two - "Who, me? You want I should set myself up to be trampled? Ha! I think not. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Besides, there's no way in hell I'm going to pay actual money to walk on eggshells on the goddamn telephone. Fuck that. That's stoopid. I'll figure out a way not to hurt him over it, but I'm sure as fuck not going to hurt me over it, either. Sorry, baby. That ship's done sailed. Bon voyage, ship of fools!"

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