I'm still having some fallout from this. Monday morning I remembered more about it and about my grandparents' house. Those who have been reading for a long time may recall me complaining about 'yellow light on the ceiling'. I have this thing about dingy lighting. I understand more about that now. This is what I wrote to the therapist about it --

...I tried to go back to sleep after we spoke. I was almost asleep when something else happened. It was the grandparents' living room again. Remember how I have complained about lamps and fixtures that cast a 'yellow light' on the ceiling? Recall all the times I have bitched about 'dark' or 'dirty' light that seems like no light at all? It was lamps in the grandparents' living room. A three tiered pole-lamp and also swag lamps with amber colored glass shades. The light came out a dark and dirty yellow. I remembered. Then an old familiar feeling came over me. I used to call it 'bitsy' when I was a kid. I suddenly felt smaller, yet heavier; as if my physical matter were suddenly much more dense. My body felt heavy and leaden, yet... I could sense/ feel my real self moving up and away from it, like helium bubbles heading toward the ceiling to hover and wait... Part of my problem is disbelief. It's just hard to believe that my mother's family AND my father were both like that and then I found (the dirtball) besides. I keep thinking I must be wrong about this in some way. The odds of such a thing must make it very highly unlikely.



I've been struggling, that's why I haven't been blogging. I am stuck between knowing that it is not productive to ignore these things and knowing my own very real need to keep busy and not let this rob me. I must not be doing it right. I've been feeling much more miserable than I've been letting on. There has been a lot of crying inside. It's not 'my' crying, but it is there, mostly disconnected and it carries on without me. But I feel the burden of it very often. I feel the gravity of the crying place and I try to keep going with a ton of bricks on my back.

And have I mentioned that I HATE my family? They are a truly disgusting bunch of very twisted motherfuckers.