I've been thinking a lot about comfort. I think many of my attempts to comfort myself have not really been comforting, they have just been distractions. Because not very many things actually feel comforting and truly relieving to me, it seems that my only recourse is to distract myself from my discomfort. Too bad that doesn't make it go away. I have tried sitting with the discomfort, too. Nothing much changes about it. It stays. It is just the way things have always been for me. It just stays and all I can seem to do is to avoid things that will intensify it, distract myself whenever possible, and then when I just can't take it anymore... well, then there is always some form of inebriation when there is no other way out. I'm beginning to question the wisdom of using chemicals over SI. At least the SI only put wear and tear on my skin instead of on my insides.
I've been sleeping a lot the last few days. I'm taking that as a good sign. For a sleep disordered person like me to ever be able to consider sleep an escape on the same par with getting wasted is probably a good thing. Or a sign of depression. I'm not sure I care which one right now. I figure if it's depression, I can distract myself from that, too. As soon as I get caught up on some sleep. It's too bad the sleep is broken up into chunks, but I'll take what I can get. It's still more than the usual amount.
I might feel better if it were not so cold outside. Or if there were not interruptions in my therapy. Or if I could get back to writing in the novel I am tracking the word count for in my sidebar.
At least I had distraction Friday. It was time to take my little profit and shift my holdings in preparation for next week. I am sooooo ready for anything. I am long. I am short (ETF - no covering needed). I will profit regardless. I will sell the pop and hold the other until I can do the same with it. It's distracting, but it doesn't have that extra little something that I have been missing all of my life. Nothing attainable does. Brains can only get one so far. Oh, well. Life's a bitch, eh?
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I think some of us are born into very high tension families that offer very little of comfort. I really have no idea in the world of what it feels like to actually relax.
ReplyDeleteI think that is a good self discovery Lynn,
ReplyDeleteThat the attempts to comfort self have not really been comforting and they have just been distractions.
I do hope that you one day find some way to comfort self that actually works
cheers
Graffiti
{{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteI see relaxation and comfort as two different issues. So I'm hoping comfort means feeling something good physically while feeling a painful emotion inside. You know what soft is. You can find a soft stuffed animal, a soft throw...something that everytime you touch it you go "oooh, that's soooo soft". You'll know it when you find it. It could be anything you love. A piece of clothing that's your sad shirt or something like that.
ReplyDeleteOf course, some people have difficulty allowing themselves to be comforted by anyone or anything. I surround myself with comfort objects. A heated pad on my neck can feel really good even if I'm crying.
Safe hugs,
Grace
I think you are right, Lily.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Graffiti.
{{{{K & my fave doggies}}}}
Hi, Grace. It is true that sometimes people cannot accept comfort. For times like that, I have found that the thing or person that is supposed to offer comfort also has danger attached to it. Also, I'm beginning to think that comfort is not universal. Things that comfort one person might be meaningless to another. For me right now, I think the pain in question is so great that there isn't much that could comfort. Sometimes only a suspension of consciousness will do.