Mothers, mothers everywhere, but not a drop to drink...

Perhaps some of you might wonder how I can tell the difference between my mother and my therapist in dreams in which he is the Dream Mother. When my mother plays herself in my dreams, she is the way she really is. When she is in my dreams and acting like my therapist and I am not repulsed by her, then she is he. I dreamed of him again last night/ this morning and now I think I know why I am so distraught and so terribly depressed.

He was the mother, he was with me 'in the house' (in my heart), but he was sleeping (not available due to a family emergency). Bad things happen to little children when the mother is sleeping. 'Nuff said. This time I did not have the real life body pains to go with the bad dream. I'm not sure what this means. I guess I'm too depressed to care. I do know one thing, though. I think I know the source of the crying place. It is the absence of the mother. My therapist being unavailable reminds me of how it was for me as a child. She could not love me and could not be 'in the house (in my heart)' with me. Now I am afraid I will be abandoned by my therapist. And I sort of have been right now, though it is different because he cannot help it and does not despise me. I'm afraid that whatever it is that has happened might separate us and I don't have any way to manage that. I want only to sleep. I don't even care if I have bad dreams because they are short lived compared to the length of total sleep and I can probably blank them out if I really need to.

Though that dream was awful, there is one part that I hope will prove prophetic. When the mother woke up, she was smiling and radiantly beautiful. I love him and I hope he is alright and will not leave me. I hope he will be awake soon.