Square One

Today I had to take one of my kids to the hospital for a procedure to remove a screw in her knee from a previous surgery. It was simple and all went well. But not on the inside of me. I don't think anyone really likes hospitals. I dislike them more than most. But this was worse than usual. Much worse. I had awful panic, heart palpitations, and the whole sucky lot of the physical manifestations of anxiety. But I didn't know why it was worse than usual. The panic continued after we got home. It's been coming and going in waves, but quite severe. It sucks. But now I realize why it's here in such force. The last time I stepped into a hospital was the night my sister died very suddenly in one about six weeks ago. No one realized she was sick until she was dead. Just like that -- gone. This was the only person I was very close with from my family of origin. My only sister. This horrible event, the worst thing that has ever happened to me in all my life, has completely reset my baseline when it comes to anxiety and mental distress. I drifted away from writing here as things slowly became so much better for me that I was able to be really and properly involved in my offline life. I feel disrupted now. Writing helped before. Maybe it will again. Apparently, bottling it up is only going to give me panic and heart palpitations (and those make me panic more). I ran from a checkout line at the store today because I couldn't wait and only wanted to be at home. I haven't done anything like that in many, many years.