I'm giving away that which I never had. And I'm exhausted.

I don't know how I will get out of bed to take the twins to physical therapy. I don't know how I will do it, I only know that I will. It will be like magic. And then I will pay dearly. I am so tired. It scares me to wonder what 'bank' I am borrowing from to give away that which was never mine in the first place. I can already feel the interest charges racking up. I feel it in my back and in the terrible fatigue of my whole body and spirit. And the little girl cries. She never had the mother that I am for my kids. And she feels it every time I whip my own legs like a slave-driver just to keep on going for them. She wants her mommy, but she doesn't have one anymore.

You know what's sad? Most other people have a family who could step in and help out at times like this. I don't have that. My family is crazy and dangerous. TOXIC. I would never ask them for help or allow them near my children. And for this I suffer. And the little girl has lost her mother because there is no one who can help me. And this is just the way things are. No one is coming to help me. I am hurt and no one is going to come to give me comfort, love or friendship. I was never important enough for anyone to help me and I am still not important. I will just suck it up and haul the incapacitated to and fro. I will continue to lift them, cook for them, wait on them, move their muscles for them and then I will collapse until I have to whip myself on the legs to get me going again. It's still dark and no one is coming. Nothing has changed. In all these years, nothing has changed. It will never change until I have no choice but to make it end.