Hey. It's me again. Here's the scoop for anyone who still shows up here:

Maybe a few of you remember some posts about my twin daughters and the terrible problems they have had with their knees dislocating a lot. Well, their problems turned out to be too severe to be helped by the multiple physical therapies they've had, so... now that they have reached their full height, they finally had surgery on Tuesday in order to correct the problem. One leg each for starters, but these plans and the accompanying research began over the summer. It was a very drastic and involved surgery, but they had the best surgeon and the best hospital. And so far the insurance company is living up to their end of the bargain, too. We're home from the hospital now.

Though there is no doubt that the surgery was much harder for my daughters than for anyone else around them, I have been enduring a lot of suffering around this thing. You would not BELIEVE the PTSD bullshit I have been having to constantly smack down just to come this far with them. Hospitals and physical shit are major issues for me. Another major issue is feeling that my children are, or could be, in danger. But we got through, right? It's not over. They have a long road ahead and then there is that little detail of them each having that second leg with the same issues and needing the same surgery after they recover and get strong again.

A little girl who lives inside me, the one who was abandoned to a hospital that was not child-friendly in order to be treated for matters relating to her abuse? That little girl has been very scared. I don't have the time or energy to take care of her right now, either. And it looks like I will have to give up my own therapy for a while on top of it all. I simply can't travel that far without my husband and we can't leave our girls right now.

Here I am again, on my blog -- the place I first came to when I was finally overwhelmed and there was no place else to go. I am once again sleep deprived, riddled with nightmares and just plain overwhelmed. But when my girls come of age, they will leave my house on two good legs. They will leave confident and strong under their own power to go out in the world and do what they wish. They will do what I was not free to do. They will be the captains of their own ships. They will have that no matter what I have to endure to clear the way for them. And that is the goal that keeps me going. I will be the maker of strong women who were cared for by a mother who loved them.

And so I am here. I have no place else to go. In the words of the hurt little girl who lives inside me, "It's dark and no one is coming." It's true. No one is coming. There is only me.