I have made it through many stressful things this summer and yet I feel as if I have accomplished next to nothing. Here it is, a new month and a stack of bills to be paid and I still haven't balanced the checkbook. I have a new tenant to accommodate this week and I also have something else I have to do. I have to figure out what to do about vacation. I didn't book anything yet. I don't like booking too far ahead because I never know what might happen to wreck the plans because my life is not smooth or easy and there is just always too much going on. It makes me feel like anything can happen at any moment and nothing can ever really be settled. But I still have to book something for the vacation now. And I still don't know whether or not I will be able to go along with the family or if I will be forced to stay here alone even though it may or may not be safe for me to be alone with myself.
Here's what happened -- I made a few little adjustments to the vacation plans so it would be bearable for me to go along. But no one liked the adjustments. And yet they say how much they want me to go with them. I explained as best I could, but they don't understand. So no matter what, I will be a disappointment and not good enough as a mother. It seems that the adjustments I made make them feel like they are not getting a good enough vacation, and yet they also expressed how disappointed they will be if I stay home to protect myself from being overwhelmed. I can't win. No matter what, I am not good enough and I spoil things for them. Checkmate. I suck. AGAIN! And it doesn't matter how hard I try. I will never be good enough.
Monday, August 1, 2011
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(((LYNN)))
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