Okay, so I fell down another rabbit hole (the last post). Yep. I did. Because I was describing the dissociation to my therapist as a trap door down which I send everything bad in order to get it out of my face so I can function. And then it comes back after me and stops me from functioning. Lather, rinse, repeat. Over and over and faster and faster until... I can barely function at all, my house is messy, I'm too retarded to balance a checkbook and my kids are eating take-out food for dinner instead of real meals cooked by their mother who loves them and wants them to have the best nutrition. All the poor therapist did was marvel at what the mind will do to try to protect a person from heinous shit, and then... it all went wrong. In the mind of someone here (Rambo), maybe he was like Old Guy and was cheering dissociation and even advocating for it to make the littles go away. Yes, the shit hit the fan. MUCH unlike Old Guy, New Guy (he isn't new anymore) actually went down the hole to get me and brought me back out of there without invalidating anyone. I remember I apologized to him after that and he said that I do not need to apologize for anything. And I also read the emails he sent while I was down there. When he was told to go away, he said no, he won't go away. He said he is the little girl's mommy and he will not leave his child. I'm not sure what to make of all of this (except that it makes me cry a little), but at least I'm out of the hole and Old Guy is not here. And 'New Guy' is. I'm glad he is here and I'm glad I'm out of the hole. It sucks in there. I don't like it in there. AT ALL. I desperately wish that I will never go down that hole again. It's one of the worst holes in this entire fucked up landscape.