Since I decided to stop posting here, I have been even more miserable than I was before in some ways. I have been having a lot of nightmares and my sleep has been total shit. I guess someone or other has decided that if the only time they are allowed to be real is when I am asleep, then they will run wild and make me hear them (it's the little girl). So... here is a post, kid. Please stop it now before I am too worn down. In other news...
1. Guess what I got for Christmas? A jury summons. I ain't doin it. Period. If you were reading here last December, then you know why (jury duty - child molestation trial - started to dissociate and fought it off - ran from a public courtroom with a panic attack - flashback in the bathroom - excused - terrorized and humiliated IN PUBLIC under my REAL NAME - can't do it). This week's therapy appointment was used finding the right language (that offended no one inside) for New Guy to write a letter to the court to get me excused for mental health reasons. This would have humiliated me a year ago, now I just don't give a rip anymore. And yeah - now New Guy knows my real name because of the fucking jury shit. And I don't give a rip. If he ever seems like he wants to lock me up, I'll just blow town until *I* am back in charge and then I'll fire him.
2. Someone (little girl) felt like that was a waste of a therapy appointment. Personally, I was relieved because all my defenses are up in therapy again and nothing especially productive could have happened anyway. I can't seem to face or completely deal with what happened in the previous appointment and I can't seem to fix that. It's a trust thing.
3. Hence, this post. If I can't be honest in therapy now, then I have to be able to do it somewhere lest I lose what's left of my mind.
4. What did New Guy say last week? He said he found himself feeling angry with the kid when he read my desperate emails in which I was totally fed up with her. I got that. I was angry with her when I wrote them. At first, him saying that made me feel like he at least understood my inner dilemma. And then... he repeated himself. He really felt anger toward her. And she heard the whole thing. And then he said... "Maybe it's just time for the little girl to grow up." And that's when I went down. I still can't get up, but I have been pretending. Because I'm good at it.
5. I've been remembering more from that appointment. He immediately realised what had happened and moved swiftly to make amends (and sometimes words bounce off me like I'm Teflon). Toward the end, he asked about the others. The girl was able to tell him what Rambo and the teenage girl were saying. Rambo said to him, "YOU grow up!" The teenager said, "I told you so." (The teenager does not like therapists and thinks they are ALL destructive and she has been telling us so all along.)
6. I have been living in hell and haven't been able to tell anyone. I don't know what to do. The little brass turtle that the therapist gave to the little girl is parked in my jewelry box. She used to sleep with the stupid thing even though I often woke up with it underneath me and digging into my back and hurting me. But at least I slept. I don't know what to do. I really, really don't. She doesn't want anyone to hurt her anymore. No one here wants that. But she is so lonely. I've been doing the best I can for her, but I am not enough.
And this is why I have been so totally shut down. Things are very separate inside again. Some of me wants a complete make-over of my life that would not include therapy (just grow up). Some of me wants to lash out at people. Some of me wants to curl up in a corner somewhere and just stop trying. And some of me cries for a mother. Yeah - I'm completely fed up with the situation and I feel like a trapped rat. I have NO FUCKING IDEA what will happen now. ANYTHING could happen. At this point the favored scenario includes disappearing deeper into the tropics to drink myself to death or slip away peacefully from an overdose. Maybe I'll go to Mexico, get drunk on Tequila and then eat their filthy food and die like I probably should have the last time I did that. Because people who suddenly 'grow up' do stupid shit like that. They do A LOT of stupid shit. And no one gets it. Sometimes they don't even get it when you PAY them to. And you can only know how truly sad this is if you have ever had to force a terrorized five year-old to pay the bills because there was no one else available.
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I so sorry you are struggling so. It's good to get it out.
ReplyDeleteI think you can be excused from Jury Duty for life is you have your doctor write the right letter. I, too, had a similar experience. It was a child rape trial. I wasn't asked to serve. But I was a mess. And ever since when I got a jury duty summons, I was also a mess. Last time I kept throwing the mail away until they sent me a final warning that my wife intercepted in the mail. She asked me why I just blew this off. I said I don't know. I finally told, and ended up getting the letter to stop this once and for all. Do I regret it? Not at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry New Guy betrayed your trust and that you are feeling so badly right now. I'm glad you are writing again though. I remember your jury duty last year, I can't believe you were called again! I haven't been called in 13 years, and I actually want to serve on a jury. I called them to see if I could move my name to the top of the list, but they said no.
ReplyDeleteIm glad you asked for the letter to get out of Jury Duty. The WHOLE court system is fucked! Your way to smart for jury duty! You know what? I was supposed to have jury duty the day I met you. I got out of it too.
ReplyDeleteI AM SSSOOOOO SSSOOOOO sorry for what the new guy said. fuck shit damn! I dont know what to say Lynn. I really dont. Youre right. "Because people who suddenly 'grow up' do stupid shit like that. They do A LOT of stupid shit. And no one gets it. Sometimes they don't even get it when you PAY them to. And you can only know how truly sad this is if you have ever had to force a terrorized five year-old to pay the bills because there was no one else available." They sure do say a lot of stupid shit (she says speaking from experience - raw recent experience).
It hurts and it feels like it destroys a piece of us every time - and there isn't much left to destroy. I'll come with you - when do you want ot leave? I'm so f'd by a "comment" I cancelled radiation and chemo - cuz hell - I'm not worth fighting for - I shoulda died a long time ago -
(((LYNN)))
Five year olds can act pretty well. Nobody, regardless of age, can act when terrorized. SO peace is a good idea. And a little less booze maybe, but that is just my opinion. New Guys intentions were not bad. Maybe he was just frustrated, and his tongue escaped him. All the other hazzle - things thrown at you from outside like jury duty - all that can be managed, resolved, letters can be written phoncalls can be made. You know this. You done this.
ReplyDeleteWhat comes a way, comes a way.
What does the writing here do for you?
Grace, please don't let other people's crap determine the course of your health.
ReplyDeleteMago, while VERY true that New Guy's motivations were not bad, I am still having a hard time in some ways with that event. What does writing here do? It stops my head from exploding. :-)
Thanks, Wanda.
ReplyDeletePaul, I completely understand how you could have blown off the jury notices. And it was during the actual selection in the courtroom when I flipped out, so it sounds like our experiences were very similar.
Dang, Harriet!! I'd give you my summons if only it could work like that.
(((((Lynn))))) I'm so sorry things are so horrible right now. But glad to see you here writing. What you have to say means a lot. I hope you can be excused from jury duty all together once NG has a letter written. I seriously will have my therapist write a letter to be excused permanently if I get a summons again. Oh, New Guy, you sure did a good job of open-mouth-insert-foot! Now our dear Lynn has to recuperate from that. And that frustrates me and makes me sad. Anyway, know you're loved, Lynn, okay? Truly!
ReplyDeleteAnd Grace? Canceled it completely? Please take care of yourself, sweetie!
Yes, Michelle, it certainly WAS a foot-in-mouth moment for NG. And there is also the need to recuperate. Some parts are fine (adults) and others not so much yet (kids). And so goes the divide. Thanks for your comment.
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