I wonder if New Guy has any clue how much his heart really helps me.

I have been feeling a little ambivalent about blogging, but I need to make this post. Reason number one is because this is the first place I come looking when I need to remember and know myself because I am always honest here. Reason number two is because something good happened to me and I know those who read here will be happy for me. With that said, this one is for me. I need to record it in a way that makes sense to ME and it might not make as much sense to others. For those to whom it does not make much sense, just know that something good happened to me. It happened when I said, "I hear your heart." It was good because I felt safe, was safe for real, but my body was still panicking from the past. But then I heard his heart. And it was calmer than mine. Strong, but slower. And I listened. After a few minutes -- my heart was slower, too. Still strong, but slower. And I could FEEL the good, safe feeling inside my body from the clean and peaceful heart of a person who won't hurt me. I still have that feeling from him, too. I have had it all night and I don't want to ever forget that sound or that feeling. I don't want it to go away. I want it to be mine to keep. It was the sound and feeling of a calm and safe heart. Calm and steady instead of all freaked out and spazzy like mine gets sometimes. And while I listened, I remembered something for a moment. I remembered two things, actually. The first was the sound of my father's heart when he rocked me in his rocking chair. Remembering that used to make me cry because I know my father was not a safe person, but he was the only heart I had. I also thought of the nightmare I tried so hard to ditch from a few nights ago. I was very small again and had my ear pressed to my father's heart, but I could not convince myself that I felt safe. When I heard the different heart last night, there was no convincing necessary. I simply felt safe and was able to tell myself how I felt. My thoughts matched my feelings for once and my body followed along. New Guy gave me something. I'm better off right this minute than I have been for a while now. Because of a good heart. I want to take this and keep it forever. I want it to be mine. I will learn how to make this feeling mine to keep forever. I will find a way. I'm going to practice remembering it.