I hate it that my kids see me as the bad guy when I will not allow them to go somewhere at a time when it may not be a safe place to go. I really hate it. And the begging and pleading! They wore me down until I pretty much yelled at them and told them my reasons and then told them to do whatever the hell they please. Yes, I did that. I made them make the decision themselves to stay away from trouble. I hate holidays. And I hate it that I don't have a safe extended family for my children to enjoy. And I hate it that they see this as proof that I'm some kind of an asshole and a shitty mother. I'm just playing the hand I've been dealt. My family of origin is what it is. I can't fix it and it's too dangerous to pretend. I can only tell the truth about it and then watch while everyone, even some of my kids, turns on me for doing so. It would be nice to be liked, but it's nicer to know that my kids are safe. You know - because I'm such an asshole!
I haven't written in the fiction yet tonight. Maybe I'll come back to put an update after I get my words in like I did last night.
UPDATE: I didn't write my 300 words. I wrote 550 instead.
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As Mom's we do the best we can. That is all we can do. Are we perfect? Hell no. We want and care for our kids and that is one thing they will remember, even if we have our disagreements.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the "family" thing to deal with (as you know) but my daughter does hold a grudge still to this day from a party that I wouldn't let her go to when where the parents were crazy druggies. They don't understand that our priority is to keep them SAFE at all costs - even if it pisses them off! some day they will...you're not an asshole. You're a good mom!
ReplyDeleteIt lies in the nature of things that parents need to show limits. This must be. I could not allow someone to do things and became the asshole too. Its some years ago now. I think the important part is "Listen, you do not do this, because ...", follows after the because.
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