I went to my appointment with New Guy and that was okay. Still, I've been feeling afraid. I am afraid of my own head right now and that feels really bad. I guess I'm getting tired of working so hard to stay aware of my head to get through the transition from Old Guy without leaving anyone behind. But this level of 'forced' awareness has its pitfalls. Hypervigilance about the state of my consciousness distresses me. But... that is what it takes for right now, I guess. I can't just 'be'. Because my natural state is a dissociated one and I can't end Old Guy without the little one understanding what's going on. If I let that happen, then it won't be a real transition, it will simply be Rambo kidnapping her and dragging her off to safety against her will. Again. *sigh* I'm getting a little disgusted with my head. Right now I feel like crying and it has nothing to do with Old Guy. It has to do only with having to see myself the way I do right now - all busted up and nutty. I don't like being this way. The view from here is ugly. And that is why I have usually dissociated quite a bit of it instead.

Edited to ad: You know what? Let me be more honest - I'm not so much disgusted with my head as I am terrified of it. And I don't see myself ugly so much as I see myself and get scared. But it is so much easier to put myself down and make fun of myself than it is to be so afraid.