*sigh*

1. That nap I took yesterday was longer than I wanted it to be. I couldn't help it. There is just something very attractive about sleeping in the safety of the daytime and I slept like a lazy old hound dog. Can I still go to sleep earlier this morning than usual? I think so. I think I'm going to load the dishwasher, clean myself up and go to bed now. I'll let you all know how it turns out.

2. I did a weird thing tonight and now I know why. I googled New Guy extensively. I found out that he is most probably Jewish, is 55 years old, and lives in a neighborhood very much like mine (and I bet the friggin' lawnmowers start at the crack of dawn at his place, too - so irritating). I also checked in with the licensing board again to make sure there are still no disciplinary actions or public complaints against his license. Yes, I know why I did this stuff. I did it because I feel trust in him more deeply than ever before and shit like that sets off panic for me. It's just the way I am. And I am so freakin' glad I don't have a problem with Jews. I'm REALLY glad. I can't even explain how glad.

3. I understand why sleep is a tiny bit less of a problem now. It's because of the dream I had where New Guy was my insurance agent and got into my bed with me and held my hand so I could go to sleep. I can scarcely explain the deep peace that I experienced in this dream. It is so rare these days that I can have this level of peace around sleep. I am deeply grateful to him, but I am also reminding myself that this is not only because of him. It is also because of me. I must have this capacity for peaceful sleep because there were periods in my life when I was able to experience it and the dream simply reminded me and connected me once again to this that is mine. But I am still very grateful to New Guy. He really is so kind and he seems like such a clean and decent person. And so HONEST. That is so important to me. That kind of honesty doesn't grow on trees, you know. It's actually kind of rare. New Guy is a comfort to me and I have been drawing strength and courage from this therapy.

4. I am proud of myself that I did not dissociate the scary things that happened in my head during Tuesday night's therapy.

5. I love New Guy. I just do. May he and his family never be awakened prematurely by the GD lawnmowers.



UNOFFICIAL FLORIDA STATE MOTTO...