Saturday, July 17, 2010
PTSD is an S.O.B.
I love my kids, but DAMN. I need them to go back to school now. They all want to stay up late in summer because there is no school and they want to have fun. They don't understand my 'issue' with night and I only give them basics (Mommy has a 'sleep disorder') so as not to horrify them. I can't stand summer anymore and I'm starting to burn out in a big way. Yes, right this minute I have PMS, but regardless of the reason for me feeling the need to bitch like this, the problem of summer is a real one and I am beginning to fantasize about taking up temporary residence in the vacant rental house just to have privacy at night once again. By the time the kids go to bed my nerves are fried and I am left with all the dirty dishes and what-not. I feel so bad writing this because I adore my kids and they are really good, but I've been feeling desperate just the same. It seems like my needs are not fair to any of us and this makes me feel so bad. Like a bad mother. Like I shouldn't be this tired and shouldn't need so much time alone. I love my family very much, but I really like being alone sometimes, too. Surely this part of things is normal? What about you? How much time do you need to spend alone each day (or night) to avoid a general burnout? How hard is it for you to get this time without hurting anyone's feelings?
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You are not a bad Mother. Just over loaded. When do the kids go back to school. It has been such a hot summer too. Very draining.
ReplyDeleteI used to never spend any time alone...but now I spend a lot of time alone. As we've talked before...I don't know how you do it! My kids @ at camp in the summer and so even if I cannot face human interaction, I can drop them off and come back home. Even in the summer they go to bed @ 830 - so I have night's alone too. I think you're so very patient, and such a loving mother. There is nothing wrong with wanting some time by yourself. Necessary even....
ReplyDeleteYou are not a bad mother at all. Everyone needs time alone. Thankfully I am at a point in my life where that is readily available for me, and believe me, I realize how lucky I am and savor every minute.
ReplyDeleteHi, Wanda. Thank you. The kids don't go back for another month. And I feel hurt wanting them back in school because I also enjoy having them here as well. It's all so mixed up to love these sweet little people so much and have these personal problems at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I do it, either, Grace. But the feelings I am having right now visit me about this same time every summer since the kids outgrew going to day camps.
Hi, Lily. Sometimes I worry that by the time my kids are all grown I will just cry all the time for wanting them back home. I hope it won't be like that. You know what this conflict makes me fear? That episode of The Twilight Zone called 'Time Enough at Last' where the guy loves to be alone so he can read all the time and then he is the only survivor of an atomic blast. He was all alone and wondering how he would find the will to live... and then he stumbled upon the steps of the public library still filled with perfectly readable books. And then he broke his glasses and couldn't read a damn thing. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way for you. Thanks for telling me about it.
Ok so I can really relate to this one. I don't know your story well enough to know how long you have actually been dealing with your crap; I didn't face mine till I was 30 and had 4 kids 5 and under.
ReplyDeleteI married a guy who could handle me and all this crap.
I went from a person who could never stand to be alone to a person who wanted to be alone for days at a time. His parents had just moved to a small town a few hour away so he would take all 4 kids 5 and under away weekend after weekend.
Now my kids are grown, ok so my baby is 15 and I have a 3 year old grandson.
It is much easier to find time alone. My kids just know I have to have time to deal. They are older so that overwhelming fear of never wanting them to know "anything" is past and just a couple of months ago we told them all a small bit of what I came from.
Just this summer with the relaxed hours and not "having" to get up in the morning I have realized that I love laying in bed late because I feel so safe. I am in my bed alone and I feel safe. I don't have to be afraid when I am in my bed alone anymore. I am 44 years old and I am safe alone in my bed. WOW.
I asked my 15 year old daughter when I started this epistle "what do you think about having a mom that needs so much time to herself.?"
She rolled her eyes and said that "you are the mom I needed so that I could be a good mom."
Breaking these chains is hard work You are their mom. You are enough. Our kids will survive us and they will be better parents than we are. You are a great mom and they know you LOVE them.
Be good to yourself, you deserve it.