I had to put the blog to author only for a while because it makes me feel really safe to do that when things are bad inside. Things have been hard. On the upside, something has been brewing the last couple of months with Old Guy. No, not something shitty (in spite of a short bout of paranoia in the therapy department), but something healing and good. I, Miss Paranoia, finally feel like I have two therapists who really care what happens to me and want to help me and not hurt me. I could make a long post about the relational healing that has happened, but... it's mushy and you all know how I am about that stuff and the whole inner landscape does not just change suddenly like that.

And... I have made a couple of inquiries that might lead me to my new dog. Old Guy thinks that my family and I are proper human companions and he thinks it might help me a lot to have a dog. And I want one so much. I'll let you know what happens.



p.s. I called Old Guy yesterday afternoon. I told him I had not yet been out of bed. A mere moment after I mentioned the dog issue, his dogs started barking. He laughed and said it must be because they knew I was on the phone. Then one of them came up to him and then, like me, Old Guy was in bed, too, and he was cuddled up to a sweet doggy. He shared her with me on the phone. I love Old Guy. I am glad we did not give up on each other because I don't think the love would have ever gone away. It would have just mourned in perpetuity and I think I have quite enough of that sort of thing already. And I love New Guy, too. Yeah, I've been in hell with hellish things, but those two did not leave me, did not chastise me for what I did to my legs Sunday night (no, I didn't blog about it), and they care about what happens to me. They really want to help me and I have decided to let them. My face is still a little swollen because I've been crying a lot, but maybe... maybe I will be okay. I just wish that dealing with certain things wasn't so painful. I don't like this pain.

p.p.s. One of the dogs I sent an email about lives right here in town and the owners have had him since he was eight weeks old. They love him very much but their situation has changed drastically and they cannot continue to care for him in the way they always have and he is lonely now. They have all of his medical records from when he was a puppy, and he can keep his same vet since he is right here in town. And his soon-to-be-former owners are right here, too, so if there is a transition issue... well, I think this could work. And as much as they love him, maybe they would like to see him once in a while to ease their loss. We'll see what happens. For all I know, I am late to the party and someone else has already snatched him up as he seems like such a fine dog. If this is the case, I hope they will really love him, hug him a lot and be really good to him like I would have. You know what else? I could barely stand parting with Old Guy when we hung up. I told him so and I told him... I told him that I love him. He said he cares very much for me, too. Yeah, I think he loves me, too. In a therapeutic, non-icky way. I knew this, I could feel it from him, but I was very glad to hear about it.