I'm thinking again of quitting all therapies. I will never get back what I had with Old Guy and the trauma of it all really cripples me with New Guy. I could keep showing up there week after week, but if I am not allowed to engage with anyone when certain parts of me could actually be reached and helped, then it will do no good. Things are just too broken up and I think it's too late for that sort of thing now anyway. There are some things that are just too ingrained to be overcome, and I would have to overcome my defense against being further traumatized in order for therapy to be productive. That is not possible because it goes directly against the instinct to survive. Yeah, I know I am very limited, barely functional and drink too much, but such is life. If people who rely on psychotropics in spite of what they cause can keep going without getting what they really need, then so can I. Some people are very ill, hugely obese, some people are even completely paralyzed and they still find ways to keep taking the next breath. I used to want something other than the next breath, but I'm beginning to think that if I can't have anything more, then the only sensible thing to do is to just be satisfied with existing until I die. Just between you and me, I suspect most people don't do much more than that anyway, they simply convince themselves of the importance of the little bit of life they manage to scratch out for themselves. Maybe I can do the same if I get away from the chronic trauma of the looming threat of those who wish to help me. I have nothing left to lose. I have things left, but I can't engage with them, so they are already gone in a sense. Maybe that's okay. Maybe THAT is the essence of the freedom I have wanted for so long. I doubt it, but I'm going with it anyway because it's what I have. Except for a few brief and shining moments of creativity, hope and connection, it's all I've EVER had.