Saturday night I went up to the corner store after dark. It's been very hot here, so I put on the air in the car. It's a new air conditioner, so it really blasted cold. And it was very dark outside with the kind of clear black sky that is more likely to exist in colder weather. The old hometown, the lake, autumn, halloween... Then there was yesterday. It sucked quite heavily. The old dread even followed me around and tried to crush my lungs while I was shopping.

I'm in bed. It's cloudy, stormy and overcast outside. I can see a sliver of outside through a crack in the blinds. The lake. I think I need some very heavy drapes for in here. Now the hub is cooking dinner and cooking smells set stuff off, too. I live the life of a depressive because I'm afraid to get up and live in the lake, the grandmother's kitchen and halloween. And do I know why? Umm... not really? Dissociation is like that.

I emailed New Guy Sunday morning when things were really, really bad. It would have been nice to at least have some brief word of contact or encouragement of some sort today. But then I knew it would eventually come to this. I should have known better than to send him as much email as I have been just because he invited me to. If he invited me to jump off a bridge, would I do that, too?

*sigh*

I guess I'm a little stuck. I suppose it could be worse. At least I have a pretty bedroom, a comfy bed and a nice TV. Fuck being functional - I'm going to stick with retaining my sanity instead. I guess it's not that bad of a trade off to be a hermit. It's better than taking the risk of asking for help, that's for sure. I really have to stop doing that because it only makes things worse when I am forced to realize that there isn't any.