The Power to Pick Your Poison

Looking back, I see a huge swathe of my own personal destruction behind me. Not because I desired to be destructive, but because I carry a lot of unresolved trauma. Drinking problem? STOP IT! Okay, so I stopped it. And then, without me realizing what was happening, the trauma found another way to present itself. What? You're a pot head now? STOP IT! Okay, so I stopped it. And then, without me realizing what was happening, the trauma found another way to present itself. What? You're starving yourself to death? STOP IT! Okay, so I stopped it. And then, without me realizing what was happening, the trauma found another way to present itself. What, now you take your clothes off for money and you're a big time slut? STOP IT? Dating a freak? STOP IT! What? You STOPPED IT and now you're a prescription junkie? STOP IT! What? Now you're such a workaholic that you puke for no reason, never get enough sleep and people who used to like you are stressed out whenever you come around? STOP IT! Just STOP everything! Fine. I did. And I found someone who seemed like he wanted to hear the REAL problem and help me deal with it. And then I cried too much when I told him and he said STOP IT! What? Now you're a drunk again? Well just STOP IT!

I think I need a brand new vice. Because that is how this stuff always comes out and there is nothing I can do about it and I can't resolve the trauma because I have to STOP IT lest I risk being kicked out of the human race (but would that REALLY be a bad thing?). I'm thinking that now that I understand how this works, maybe I can CHOOSE the new destruction. I'm thinking gambling. It might be interesting. At least it's not life threatening like the other stuff that I didn't get to choose consciously. I know there are casinos here. I guess I'd better get to finding out where they are. I know how to play blackjack. It's a start.