Pointless. It's all pointless.

I don't remember any dream, just waking up with the pain. I was tired, so I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep. It woke me a second time with more insistence. It was bound and determined to get my attention. And so it did. I should not have pain there. There is no medical reason and I know that. I tried to acknowledge the historical reason and let it be dismissed, but it is a lie. It has to be. The pain and its bogus reason are not mine. They don't belong here. They go to a parallel reality that I learned to ignore, so I pushed that reality away again. Pain remained and so I pushed my body away and it and I fell into a light and restless near-sleep. And in so doing, I inadvertently forfeited some of my control and was subjected to foreign thoughts that are not really my own. Some of the thoughts remembered (or lied about) things that I can already no longer recall. Flares of fear and concern cropped up inside. People asking me to call someone for help. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't do that. That ship has done sailed. I watched it go and I learned things. I learned that talking about things with someone during a crisis cannot help and has a high probability of doing more harm than good.

I mean, really! What could have happened to help the situation had I allowed a phone call to be placed? I don't need anyone to tell me that what is happening is not real. I have already deemed that for myself, even though in a strange way that invalidates parts of me, I might not be quite correct in having done so.

I don't need anyone to tell me to be strong. I already am. It takes the power of Hercules just to force the body to take just one more breath, get out of bed just one more time, put one foot in front of the other just once more and see what happens in the hope that something will be different this time. Yes, I force the death march with all my might and I look back at the end of the day to see that I have only come a few more feet down a path to nowhere and that I crawled to even get that far.

And I certainly don't need anyone to tell me to focus on the present moment because then I would have to buy a gun. So why, then? Why would I call anyone? I wouldn't.

So what did I do? I did what I learned to do. I did the thing I need to do to make sure no one hurts me if something escapes out of the basement and crawls up the stairs looking for help. Of course, I can't tell you all the details of what I did, because I forgot. Yeah, that was part of the lesson I spent my life learning - forget it and move on. The parts I do remember? I remember the alien landscape coming for me. I embraced it because it was better than my present moment. All manner of surreal fantasy paraded through my mind. I was a space traveler. My timing was good. It was sunset. I asked the husband to take me for a drive. The sky. It feeds the dissociation. I disappeared into it to escape the incessant chatter of the husband because it was disturbing my level of involvement with the alien landscape.

The next thing I remember we were sitting in a German restaurant and I was sucking down an Erlanger. That was a long time ago and I've done nothing that I'm aware of since. But at least no one hurt me. No one told me that I'm not real or should be ignored. No one told me not to listen to me or that I shouldn't be paid any mind. No one except for me. I've always been a good student. Now I know why I am allergic to teachers. It's because they want me to die.